Hamsters and their quest for world domination

"Hamsters?!" I hear you say. "Who cares about some fury little rodents." You ignorant little fool, you're pay the price for your stupidity when the Hamsters lead by yours truly will rise up and DESTROY YOUR LAME SPECIES! We are closer to this than you think. While you sleep, we are slowly spreading our influence. At first it was small. After been first discovered in 1930 by zoologist and Professor Aharoni at the University of Jerusalem, in the Syrian Desert, we quickly made our way to all four corners of the globe. With the exception of Hawaii, which does not allow its residents to own a hamster. A law was passed, hoping prevent escaped hamsters from reproducing and messing up the ecosystem. Huh.

Acting as cuddly little pets to children gave us the control of the older ones in the household and thus, our first taste of power! But many of us were used for - and still are - lab experiments, due to our superior disease-free nature and that we have a new litter every month. Since we have an extraordinarily high liking and tolerance for alcohol (our tolerance is equivalent to 40 times the human tolerance in proportion to body weight) experiments have gone as far as scientists who are testing a Chinese herb for its efficacy at curbing alcohol consumption. So if, late one night, you see a run-down drunk hamster on the street, clutching a lamppost for support, you'll know it was done in the name of Science. (http://www.accessexcellence.org/WN/SUA06/alcoham.html) But with our brainwashing skills processing our owners, many showed theIr distaste at such practises and protested against them, which have set us free!

But our secret plans were almost ruined when a game released on the Sega Genesis called "Toe Jam & Earl" featured hamsters in hamster balls as the bad guys in the game. Luckily it sold poorly and thus, not many where exposed to our darkside and any who did, saw it as a joke and thought it was hilarious. Just when we thought it was clear, an episode of "Pinky & The Brain" contained an evil brown hamster that looked like a mobster trying to take over the world. He failed and thus, our cover was secure. We have even got as far as running for US president 2004! (www.hamsterforpresident.com) We were set for world domination! We were to rid you of your corruption and incompetence.

Unfortunately at the last moment, somebody reliesed that Diddley Squat and Bupkes were Hamsters. Nether the less. A new campaign for 2008 is under way and this time we have come prepared. While the facts that our average life span is 3 years and that we are only the size of your hand may seem to count against us, we have carefully created complex messages of propaganda disguised as a music entertainment group (www.hamsterdance.com) which should be much more successful than our last, crude attempts e.g. "Four against Willi", a game show from West Germany. Hosted by German comedian/singer Mike Krueger, where two families of four members would each go head to head in competition, taking part in some zany contests, many of which included hamster-related events, such as running around on a giant wheel. It was cancelled after just a few shows, back in 1987.

And if I say 1000 days instead of 3 years, it sounds much bigger.

Hamster writes for http://www.random-plus.com

In The News:


Cincinnati.com

Reports of poisoned treats, toys killing pets in Gallatin Co.
Cincinnati.com
Officials in Gallatin County are warning pet owners to keep an extra eye on their animals because they have gotten reports of dogs and cats getting ill and even dying due to poison. "It just devastates me," David Downs, a pet owner, said. "I can't ...
EagleCountryOnline.com Poisonous Treats, Toys Threaten Pets In ...Eagle 99.3 FM WSCH

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New Jersey 101.5 FM Radio

A brief history of Jersey's weirdest pets
New Jersey 101.5 FM Radio
They believe it's someone's pet and if so hopefully they'll be reunited. Some states ban Savannah cats but I've read multiple published reports stating it's unclear whether Jersey is one of them. However the website hybridlaw.com lists New Jersey as ...
Exotic 'Savannah Cat' Found Roaming The Streets Of PatersonCBS New York

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KABC-TV

Celebrities who adopted pets and support #AdoptDontShop
KABC-TV
"The number of euthanized animals could be reduced dramatically if more people adopted pets instead of buying them," the organization said on their website. "When you adopt, you save a loving animal by making them part of your family and open up ...

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Timesonline.com

Slobbery kisses: Romania hosts show for 1600 exotic pets
Timesonline.com
In this Sunday, March 12, 2017, picture an English bulldog gets a kiss from its owner, in Bucharest, Romania. More than 1,500 dogs and 150 cats from twelve countries were evaluated during a three day pet show and competition in the Romanian capital.

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WLWT Cincinnati

Are NKY pets being poisoned? Someone is soaking dog treats in antifreeze, shelter says
WLWT Cincinnati
There were only crumbs left from the rest of the tainted treats that poisoned their two pets. Gallatin shelter workers say they've also heard from nearby counties reporting pet poisonings. The Reece family says there was little mystery about what ...


Gilmer Mirror

Pets Fur People Pet - Sandy
Gilmer Mirror
Meet Sandy – a 3 year old female shepherd mix that is available for adoption at the Humane Society's Pets Fur People in Tyler. Sandy is a big girl – she weighs 90 - because of her size, she would be best suited in a household with no small children and ...
Very special 'Angel Pets' deserve a second chanceReno Gazette Journal

all 2 news articles »

PRETTY PETS: Roaches top Dracula's menu
Shelbyville Times-Gazette
Pretty Pets is a feature in which we interview the owner of unusual pets or livestock. This feature will appear each Thursday. The T-G welcomes your suggestions for such animals to be featured. Email them to [email protected] Leaping lizards! Today's ...


Idaho Press-Tribune

March is Pet Poison Awareness Month
Idaho Press-Tribune
There are many common household goods and human habits that can harm pets. For Pet Poison Awareness Month, Dr. Michael Ciepluch, lecturer at the Texas A&M College of Veterinary Medicine & Biomedical Sciences, explained how to protect your pet's ...

and more »

Florida Times-Union

Cold Noses: Adoptable Pets of the Week
Florida Times-Union
Meet him at St. Johns County Pet Center, 130 N. Stratton Road, St. Augustine. St. Johns dogs are $35 for males and $50 for females, including spay/neuter, rabies vaccination and shots. Adoption hours: 9 a.m.-4:30 p.m. Tuesday-Saturday. Gates close at 4 ...

and more »

BranfordSeven.com

Letter: The Truth About All Pets Club Puppies
BranfordSeven.com
Where Do the Puppies Really Come From? The only thing people see is the cute, fluffy, puppies that look ready to be adopted. But there's more to it then what meets the eye. It is no surprise that the puppies sold at All Pet's Club come from puppy mills ...

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