What You Can Do As A Non-Raging Mate To Either Fix The Relationship Or Forget It

(The following is an actual email conversation between Newton Hightower, Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc., and "Betty" the girlfriend of a rageaholic.)

Betty: I am a 35-year-old single woman who has been dating a man for three years who verbally and emotionally abuses me. I am called ALL kinds of names..."you're a F-ing B, you're stupid, F-ing crazy psycho, F-ing whore, F- you..." things of that nature. He is in counseling and has been for about three months. My question is can he truly change?

Newton: The answer is yes, absolutely! BUT, the prognosis doesn't look good.

Let me disqualify myself here. First of all, I do not work with women in your position because it is like me trying to work with someone from a different planet...I just don't get it at all. I used to be how your boyfriend is.

I would refer you to a female therapist who could teach you to put the PRESSURE ON YOUR MAN.

Then I would work with your boyfriend when he comes crying and begging, 'Please, help me! I am about to lose the love of my life. She won't talk to me. How can I get her back? She says I have to see you 3 times before she will talk to me.'

Putting the PRESSURE ON is pre-therapy.

When you do the pre-therapy, then I will do the therapy on him.

*DO YOU RECOMMEND LEAVING HIM?*

Generally, I would recommend you stay and learn how to stand up to him.

Staying with a jerk like that for three years means you probably cannot get out even if you wanted to.

Recommending that women leave usually doesn't work. I have seen couples where the man has shot several times at the wife and missed, and vice versa. In neither case did they leave each other; they just left the therapy when I hit the ceiling.

*PRE-THERAPY INTERVENTION: 911*

Last week I suggested to a couple the pre-therapy change number (911). The girlfriend arrived a little early and reported things had gotten violent again. I suggested that she report the incident and call the police every time it happens.

She said, "I won't tell him what you said." I replied, "Don't worry. I will tell him when he gets here."

My colleagues often question the wisdom of this intervention of advising wives or girlfriends to have their men arrested, when they are together in my office.

Most men are trying to save the marriage or relationship when they come to see me. I tell their girlfriends, "Most of us men would rather go to jail than get divorced again...at least I would."

I also do not challenge the men, but compliment them: "I know you are 30 years younger than me and could kill me with a single blow, so I hope you don't take this the wrong way."

"I can see that you are really committed to this relationship that you come here every week and pay a lot of money for me to recommend that she have you arrested."

*FROM BETTY TO HER BOYFRIEND: A ST. PATRICK'S DAY GIFT!*

Okay Betty, you said it took him two weeks to give a half- hearted apology. Send him a St. Patrick's Day Card that tells him it is his lucky day. You are going to give him a chance to make up for being a total jerk for three years.

1. First you will need a spoken apology that will bring tears to your eyes. You know, heart-felt with specific examples.

2. Then you can use a line my wife used to use: "That's nice. Now what are you going to do to make it up to me? No, I don't mean promises, but diamonds, vacations, things like that."

AFTER YOU HAVE GOTTEN ONE AND TWO WRITE ME...BUT DON'T SEE HIM UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY HAVE THE DIAMONDS IN YOUR HAND OR ON YOUR FINGER.

3. Then you need to find out what he is going to do if he does this again.

4. Betty, if you need a telephone coach, there are lots of therapists out there who receive my newsletter, and will read this conversation. Maybe one of them could spare you two or three thirty-minute telephone calls. If you paid for the phone calls, they might donate their time.

About The Author

Newton Hightower is the Director of The Center for Anger Resolution, Inc. in Houston, Texas, and author of the new book "Anger Busting 101: New ABCs for Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them." Visit Newton's website for more anger- busting ideas and a free email newsletter filled with guest articles and tips for husbands, wives, and therapists. http://www.angerbusters.com

[email protected]

Publishing Guidelines: Feel free to publish the following article in its entirety in your ezine, website, or print newsletter. The resource box must be included with an active link. Please send a copy of the publication in which the article appears to: [email protected] Word wrap to 60, (724 words)

In The News:


Belarus News (BelTA)

Rigoni notes Belarus' positive attitude to development of relations ...
Belarus News (BelTA)
MINSK, 23 March (BelTA) – Belarus shows a welcoming and positive attitude to the development of the relations with the Council of Europe and the European ...

and more »

Williamsburg Yorktown Daily

Raúl F. Barbará, 77, remembered for his signature smile and positive attitude
Williamsburg Yorktown Daily
On March 17, 2017, retired U.S. Air Force Col. Raúl F. Barbará, 77, passed away peacefully with his loving wife at his side. Raúl was born Jan 3, 1940, in Mexico City. He came to the U.S. in 1943 with his parents, Raúl and Ana Barbará. His father ...


The Western Nebraska observer

Banner County opens season with small numbers but positive attitudes
The Western Nebraska observer
With only three athletes returning out of the eight on the roster this season, the Banner County Track team will be concentrating on individual improvements for the upcoming season, and though her team is small they bring a mighty positive attitude ...


I'll take positive attitude into moving our town of Sanbornton forward
The Laconia Daily Sun
I would like to thank the residents of Sanbornton who braved the storm and got out to vote on March 14. Thanks to all of you who supported me in my election, to serve for the next three years as your selectman. I promise to do what is right for all of ...


Dothan Eagle

Patient care assistant known for positive attitude, soothing voice
Dothan Eagle
The patient care assistant team leader in the surgery department at Flowers Hospital is known for his positive attitude and soothing voice. When you're headed for surgery, he's the kind of person you want taking you there. “Some request me to pick them ...


The Herald Journal

102 years young: Centenarian keeps a positive attitude
The Herald Journal
102 years young: Centenarian keeps a positive attitude. Sean Dolan staff writer; Mar 11, 2017; (0). Berneice Griffin 102. Buy Now · John Zsiray/Herald Journal. Berneice Griffin celebrates her 102nd birthday with family and fellow Pioneer Valley Lodge ...


The Hindu

Develop a positive attitude, girls told - The Hindu
The Hindu
D. Sailaja, associate professor at Rangaraya Medical College, speaking at International Women's Day celebrations at P.R. Government Degree College in ...

and more »

WRALSportsFan.com

Family, positive attitude guiding Canes' Bickell after MS diagnosis
WRALSportsFan.com
Raleigh, N.C. — A decade's worth of body-checks and boards under his belt, Bryan Bickell had gone to bed countless times with aches and pains. Never had he woken up to this. "Something wasn't right," said Bickell, a 10-year pro in his first season ...
Bickell Ready for Next Step - NHL.comNHL.com

all 46 news articles »

VIDEO: Area Hospital Volunteers Heal With Smiles, Compassion, Positive Attitude
SpaceCoastDaily.com
ABOVE VIDEO: They help heal with smiles and compassion. Their cheerful and positive attitude can go a long way when patients and family members are under stress. They deliver hope. They often help shape a patient's first impression of a hospital.


La Crosse Tribune

Extra Effort: La Farge senior relies on perseverance, positive attitude ...
La Crosse Tribune
Makayla Teague opened the folded slip of paper in her hands and read what it said. As she scanned her second quarter report card, tears filled her eyes and ...

and more »
Google News

The Art of Thankfulness

With Thanksgiving approaching, I thought it would be especially appropriate... Read More

Prisoner of Attitude

"Thinking is responsible for man's primacy on earth today. Existence... Read More

Seeing Challenges as Opportunities

Are you a person who loves challenges, or hates them?... Read More

The Enchantress Within Each of Us Returns?Making Potholders, One Stitch at a Time!

When I was little I was very busy--as I imagine... Read More

Self-Confidence Secrets: Measure Your Successes

Would you like to be confident in the things you... Read More

Peak Performance

Peak Performance. It means being at the top of your... Read More

The View From Nana and Papas

I'm a working mother with a preschooler, worrying about Mom... Read More

Positive Things To Do For Yourself

Being a mom can take a toll on your body,... Read More

From Stress to Adventure

Ten tips to transform your move into a creative life... Read More

Self-esteem Boosters: 5 Action Points

? Make a list of all your accomplishments in life... Read More

Banishing Hannibal Lecter Personalities From Your Life

We all know them. We all have somebody like them... Read More

Positive Mental Attitude

Look at this glass on the table in front of... Read More

Im Loving Me... Right Where I Am

I heard these words from a client who had been... Read More

So What Is A Limiting Belief?

So what is a limiting belief?Don't you love the current... Read More

Yourself

With the beginning of a new year, are you happy... Read More

The Power of Negative Thinking

For some reason, most people find it easier to think... Read More

Not Getting What You Want in Life? Your Thoughts Could Be the Culprit

Unhappy? Stressed out? Do you feel you not only want... Read More

Today, A Wonderful Day

Believe me, today is the most wonderful day of your... Read More

What?!? No Bananas?

"Where are your bananas?" It seemed like a logical question... Read More

Oh for a Really Good Day!

What's wrong with me? When I'm sick I get grumpy... Read More

Lessons From Anakin Skywalker: Making Better Choices Through Recognizing And Managing Our Fears

In the latest and final Star Wars saga, Anakin Skywalker... Read More

Change in the Workplace: Don?t Fear It; Use It!

Every day something changes at work: your products, your customers,... Read More

Harness The Power Of Words In Your Life

Speaking comes to most people as naturally as breathing. On... Read More

Good News! The Pathway of Change Is Predictable

Often when radical change occurs in our lives we feel... Read More

Improve Your Self Confidence

Knowing yourself is the foundation of self-esteem, self confidence and... Read More