Better Than Help

One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family and friends frequently request is 'help'; help to change the situation. While I understand, and can relate only too well, to their sentiment, the term 'help' makes me feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps I can clarify what I mean with an example. A woman I know believes she has found her big idea and her mission. She is constantly looking for people to 'help' her to realise her dream. (She doesn't feel that she can take charge of realising her dream herself.) So people constantly find her who promise help, but first expect her to help them - generally by paying significant sums of money towards some ill defined scheme of theirs; in very short order.

The problem with 'help' is when it is a cover for dependence. By 'help' we mean someone who will take at least partial responsibility for what we want to do. We look for this 'help', or powerful intervention, when we doubt our own adequacy.

Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship is no small matter. But looking for 'help' to do it, can lead to further disappointment. Unless you are clear about precisely what you mean and the limits of what you can expect, you may feel that what is out there is rather less than you were wishing for.

First off, any woman will need practical advice, about how to manage leaving the relationship. It is well worth becoming familiar with the information available through domestic violence organisations, like www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html.

Then, they will need practical support of the kind provided by a Refuge or Domestic Violence Support Group.

They will also need understanding of the trauma they have been through and the effect that it has had on them. They will need to understand that the very low opinion they have of themselves is all part of the trauma and can be reversed. An understanding of the mechanics of abuse is available through Domestic Violence Support groups and books such as Sandra Horley's 'The Charm Factor' and Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much'.

They will need to internalise how this applies to them. This tends to be a longer process, requiring in depth work with someone with an understanding of this particular field, someone who specialises in working with survivors of abusive relationships.

Finally, they need to learn how to recreate their faith in, and love for, themselves. They have to build a strong foundation of self-worth and self-trust. This may sound like the hardest part of all, but it doesn't have to be. Once they have access to the appropriate tools, making the shift from hopelessness to self-realisation and positiveness becomes almost effortless.

Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women who have survived abusive relationships heal relationship pain so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature.

Email:[email protected] Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

In The News:

10 Signs Your Relationship Is Serious, According To Love Experts  Elite DailyThere comes a time in many long-term relationships, after things have been progressing for awhile, when you might step back and think to yourself, “Wow, we're ...
Why Setting These 6 Healthy Boundaries In Relationships Will Help Your Love Last  YourTangoSetting healthy boundaries in relationships from the get-go can help your love last, as long as you and your new boyfriend are clear on these 6 limits.
6 ways to know if the relationship would last or not  Times of IndiaMost of us, at some point in our lives, might have wished that there was a way to know if a relationship was meant for a lifetime or not? It seems there indeed are ...
How To Set Boundaries In A Healthy Relationship - Personal Boundaries  Women's HealthFeeling a bit smothered lately? Your S.O. might think they're being cute, but they're actually crossing your personal boundaries. Here's how to set boundaries in ...
Relationship Advice For Why Men Pull Away & How Communication Style Can Sabotage Relationships | Nancy Carbone  YourTangoMany women wonder why men pull away from them but don't realize that certain behaviors are sabotaging their relationships and pushing their partners further ...
Positive Parenting: This Style of Parenting Negatively Affects Kids' Relationships  9&10 NewsRelationships help reduce stress and contribute to better physical and mental health. But a new study shows a particular style of parenting can have negative ...
Signs Your Relationship Is Not Worth Fighting For, Because Sometimes It's Best To Love & Let Go  Elite DailyNo matter how long you've been dating someone, sometimes relationships kind of run their course. If you and your boo have majorly grown apart, of if you're ...
4 Signs Your Relationship Is Worth Fighting For, So Don't Give Up  Elite DailyIf you've ever wondered if you and your partner have what it takes to make your relationship last, you're not alone. Even though ups and downs are a normal part ...
Mastering Java persistence with JPA and Hibernate, Part 1: Entities and relationships  Java WorldIn-depth tutorial introduction to modeling entities and relationships for Java data persistence. Includes an example application based on Java 8 with Hibernate ...
If On-Again, Off-Again Relationships Aren't Your Thing, You're Probably One Of These 4 Personality Types  Elite DailyThe on-again, off-again relationship may have worked out for Rachel and Ross, and Miley and Liam, but it's not for everyone. In fact, some people may ...
Study could explain why people choose to have multiple relationships at the same time  ScienceBlog.comBeing interested in a polyamorous lifestyle, or pursuing multiple relationships, may go beyond simple titillation, a new study says. Led by researchers at.
Do I Want A Relationship Or Am I Just Lonely? 9 Signs You Just Want To DTR  Elite DailyIf you're early in the relationship process — say, you moved things off Tinder fairly recently or have gone on a couple of pleasant dates — and you find yourself ...
Long-term relationships: Share your story with us  Irish TimesThe Irish Times is looking to speak to couples about their experiences.
How Often Should Couples See Each Other When Dating — How Often Should a Boyfriend and Girlfriend See Each Other  Cosmopolitan.comAccording to experts, you should only see a person you're newly dating or in a new relationship with once a week. This is to make sure you don't get caught in ...
Mesmerising Animation Reveals How Our Relationships Have Changed Since The 1970s  ScienceAlertHave you reached the right time in your relationship to move in with your significant other? Or even get married? A mesmerising new data visualisation can help ...
UK school sacks Christian who opposed new primary schools relationships curriculum  Barnabas FundA Christian mother-of-two has been sacked from her job at a UK school because she objected to teaching about homosexuality and transsexualism at her son's ...
Why All of My Best Relationships Involve Books  Book RiotOn the value and strength of bookish relationships, whether romantic or platonic, and the importance of cultivating these bonds.
Detroit teacher on leave for alleged inappropriate relationships with students  WXYZ DetroitA Detroit teacher is on administrative leave after allegations arose of sexual misconduct with students.
Millennials In India Would Rather Have Good Sex Than Talk Politics. So Much For Being Woke!  Indiatimes.comIf you identify as a liberal, would you date/marry or get together with someone who identifies as a bhakt or vice versa? Most of the last two years have been spent ...
What The Second Full Moon In Libra Horoscope Means For Your Love Life And Relationships Until May 4th  YourTangoOn April 19th, we will experience not just a full moon in Libra, but the second one in back to back months, which is extremely rare! Also known as the Pink Moon, ...
Watch this animation that shows how couples move through relationship stages  The VergeThis visualization from Flowing Data compares how quickly people move through relationship stages by comparing couples in the 1970s to 2010s. The data is ...
8 Red Flags You're in a Codependent Relationship  Reader's DigestWhen you first start a relationship, a little codependency can feel natural. But if you've been together and you still have any of these red flags, it may be time for ...
Riverdale: 5 Best (& 5 Worst) Relationships | ScreenRant  Screen RantCW's hit show, Riverdale, gives us everything we want from drama to romance. Here are the couples we shipped and relationships we wish never happened.
Trails and relationships wind through the Fairfax community of Mantua  Washington PostThere is a section of the Cross-County Trail winding through the Fairfax County community of Mantua that is a big plus for Elizabeth Schaefer Wassel, a cyclist ...
Could micro-dating be the relationship saver time-poor parents need?  Metro.co.ukWhat is micro-dating, and can it actually help to maintain intimacy in a long-term relationship?
For Career And Life Success It's All About Relationships  ForbesThe aptly-titled new book by Dr. Karen L. Rancourt, “It's All About Relationships”, is a must-read for better relationships at work and at home. Sticky workplace ...
How People in Happy Relationships Talk About Money  FatherlyMoney discussions are never easy. But, according to financial expert Jaquette Timmons, couples who don't practice financial intimacy are headed for a world of ...
Right Relationships Crucial to Help Foster Youth Get Into, Through College  Youth TodayHaving relationships with resourceful, knowledgeable individuals is important for the college success of young people with foster care histories. Put more simply ...
Relationships, loved ones my priority: Alia Bhatt  Deccan HeraldSeven hits in 10 years is a testimony of her passion towards acting, but Alia Bhatt says her life does not revolve around the fate of a film.
Horoscopes for April 19: Full moon in the sign of relationships  Herald & ReviewTODAY'S BIRTHDAY (April 19). You'll prioritize self-care higher, which makes you abler to deliver on the big demands coming up. Someone loving nurtures and ...
If Sex Isn't Good At First, Is Your Relationship Doomed? (Spoiler: No.)  Refinery29A new series from the editor of Yes Means Yes that explores the politics of sex, power, and representation.
Primary pupils 'must learn about same-sex relationships'  BBC NewsTeachers are calling for same-sex relationships education to be made compulsory in UK primary schools. The demand, at the National Education Union ...
The Evolving Australia-Indonesia Relationship Amid Election Season  The DiplomatWith Jokowi likely scoring another term in Indonesia, the bilateral relationship's direction balances on Australia's pending polls.
A Definitive Ranking of Current 'Grey's Anatomy' Relationships (PHOTOS)  TVInsiderWe're ranking all the 'ships from Season 15 — see which tops the list!
Should we even care about age gap relationships in 2019?  BBC ThreeObsessed with Kate Beckinsale and Pete Davidson? This is what it's really like to be in an age-gap relationship.
The surprisingly strong relationships of commuter couples  BBC NewsSome dual-career couples choose to live thousands of miles away from each other. How do these relationships work, and what helps them succeed?
Frank Ocean talks relationships, music, and hanging out with President Obama in new Gayletter cover story  The FADERFrank Ocean seems to be opening up to the world a bit more this year (and I love it). Today, the Blonde star covers the new issue of Gayletter, read it here.
Can A Relationship Survive Cheating? A New Study Found The Chances Aren't Promising  Elite DailyAs much as we don't like to admit it, people do cheat. But what happens next? Can a relationship survive cheating? In a survey of 441 people between the ages ...
Gaslighting in Relationships: Seven Ways to Protect Yourself  Psychology TodayGaslighting is far more prevalent than we realize. Knowing how to respond can keep you sane.
If Your Partner Has These 8 Personality Traits, You May Have A Toxic Relationship  YourTangoIf you're unsure whether or not your partner is good for you, here are some negative personality traits in people that can manifest into signs of a toxic ...
Caring for creation in light of three fundamental relationships  thewitnessonline.orgBe fertile and multiply;. fill the earth and subdue it. Have dominion over the fish of the sea, the birds of the air,. and all the living things that move on the earth.
'Women's Work': Megan Stack On Hiring A Nanny, Gender Roles At Home  NPRFormer L.A. Times foreign correspondent Megan Stack talks with NPR about her new book, her relationships with her nannies, and the need to further involve ...
Signs you want different things in a relationship  FeminaBeing in a relationship often calls for more compromises than a person has made in life. Even then, with the right partner, you are willing to go the whole nine ...
7 Seemingly Small Mistakes That Can Hurt Your Relationship Big mistakes like lying and cheating can  BustleBig mistakes like lying and cheating can end a relationship pretty quickly. But the small things can do just as much damage over a longer period of time.
Violence affects 60% of teen relationships and 150 young people were killed by partners in 13 years  Daily MailBetween 2003 and 2016, 150 people 18 and under - mostly non-white girls - were killed by people they had dated or who wanted to date them, a disturbing new ...
Couples thrive in relationship quality and stability when both partners are involved in financial processes  Phys.orgWhen both partners are involved in financial decisions and processes, they're more empowered, and relationship quality and stability tend to be higher, ...
Want A Long-Term Relationship? Start With Doing The Inner Work  mindbodygreen.comIf you ask someone in their 20s what matters most to them in life, they will usually say, "My relationship and my career." Relationships and careers are the ...
Signs Of A Toxic Relationship You Ignore Because Of Codependency & Fear Of Loneliness | PD Reader  YourTangoLoneliness and codependency are often a result of being in toxic relationships so if you see these 13 signs, it's time to break free and learn how to be ...
7 Old-Fashioned Relationship Habits Happy Couples Are More Likely To Have  BustleBeing a happy couple takes work. If you're looking for ways to better connect with your partner, there are a few things you can try. According to experts, adopting ...
Anglican Church of Kenya urges Kenyans to resist gay relationships  Tuko.co.keTuko.co.ke News ☛ The Archbishop's remarks came just weeks after the Anglican Church came out boldly to criticise Court of Appeal's ruling allowing the ...
Relationship advice: Meet the woman, 24, who has ‘great sex’ with husband, 69  NEWS.com.auAn age-gap couple have revealed how “great” their sex life is — despite having 45 years between them.
EOU exhibit highlights emotions, relationships | Entertainment  East OregonianLA GRANDE — Photography, collage, painting and installation art are featured in a capstone exhibition at the Nightingale Gallery.
Here's The Difference Between Fighting & Arguing In A Relationship, According To Experts  Elite DailyHave you ever been in a tiny tiff with your partner that all of a sudden turns into a giant blowup? The shift in energy is palpable. If so, then you already ...
'Relationships are vital' to Slater, Patriots during team-building process  Patriots.comChange is inevitable in life, which means the NFL is no exception. From one season to another, players and coaches move on. For some, however, there is ...
A 'pink full moon' is coming on Friday to wreak havoc on your life. You've been warned.  MamamiaGreat news... Friday night's pink full moon on April 20, 2019 is here to wreck havoc on your relationships and love life. You've been warned.
KITOTO: Words, and how they build or destroy our relationships  nation.co.keThe words we speak can affirm or tear down a person.
AACC puts focus on building apprenticeships and work-force relationships  Inside Higher EdAACC is helping community colleges answer President Trump's call for more apprenticeship programs and partnerships with businesses.
S.C. Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault extends healthy relationships campaign  Charleston City PaperThe South Carolina Coalition Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault (SCCADVASA) recognizes the 18th annual Sexual Assault Awareness Month ...
5 Unofficial Lesbian Relationship Milestones  AutostraddleAs we have established in our previous discussions of situationships, gay relationships don't necessarily follow the same timeline as the straight relationship ...
Couples Who Don't Believe These 11 Things Are Likely To Have Relationship Problems  BustleWhat you believe about relationships in general can affect the destiny of the relationship you are in. So couples who hold certain healthy beliefs about ...
When your relationship loses the sexual spark, what do you get in its place?  ABC NewsMany of us miss the lust that often vanishes in long-term relationships — and you're unlikely to get it back. But the "spark" is replaced by something else — and ...
6 toxic relationships you should avoid like the plague  LaddersBefore a toxic relationship can be neutralized, you must intimately understand what's making it toxic in the first place.
5 Of The Best Sex & Relationships Podcasts Offering Advice, Laughs, & Home Truths  BustleIf you don't listen to podcasts I genuinely am baffled at how you could tackle a work commute or clean the house. They are the soundtrack to my life. It would ...
Relationships education, relationships and sex education (RSE) and health education: FAQs  GOV.UKThe Department for Education is introducing compulsory Relationships Education for primary pupils and Relationships and Sex Education ( RSE ) for secondary ...
Stacey Dooley warned Kevin Clifton 'has commitment issues'  Metro.co.ukKevin Clifton is believed to have struck up a romance with Stacey Dooley which has all Strictly Come Dancing fans talking. But while some fans may think the ...
Strictly did not cause break-up of my relationship, says Susanna Reid  Independent.ieSusanna Reid has said Strictly Come Dancing was not responsible for the end of her relationship.
7 money-related mistakes that can ruin your relationship  Times of IndiaOf course, every relationship is different and there is no ideal way to manage your finances but avoiding these seven mistakes would surely help you to ...
How to Navigate Mental Illness in a Relationship  VICEThis article originally appeared on VICE CA. When my boyfriend first started showing signs of depression, I was sure it was indicative of a failure on my part.
Does Your Relationship Lack Passion? Here's How You'll Know You Need More Oomph  Elite DailyIn the early stages of a relationship, every touch can feel electric. Every kiss you share with your partner can make you feel like the human version of the ...
Building board relationships: The CIO's playbook  CIOCIOs can improve their standing with the business by getting cozier with their board members. But that involves an investment in time for conversations outside ...
What does a healthy relationship look like? This TED speaker wants you to know  CBC.caA handful of people at the conference want people to learn how to create healthy, meaningful relationships. They say intimate relationships are at the core of ...
Purpose partnerships: How mission-driven companies approach business relationships  GreenBizThe private sector is contributing more explicitly to societal well-being by adopting Social Purpose Business Models (PDF). And as businesses take on these ...
7 Things You Don't Have To Be Entirely Honest About Early On In A Relationship  BustleWhen you first start falling for someone, it's natural to open up more. However, while a new partner obviously needs to get to know you on a deeper level, timing ...
Brooklyn Nine-Nine: 5 Of The Best (& 5 Worst) Relationships  Screen RantBrooklyn Nine-Nine has amazing couples, from long-term married to brand new. These are the best and the worst.
10 things all couples in healthy relationships do every day  Myjoyonline.comAll relationships are unique but all require one thing: hard work.
How to Get Over a Toxic Relationship - Moving On From Toxic Relationship  Cosmopolitan.comOne of the most confusing aspects of breakups is who we end up taking the longest to get over. Why, for instance, does it feel easier to bounce back from parting ...
Experts Say Every Single Relationship Can Last If It Has These 9 Characteristics  BustleIt can sometimes feel like more relationships are destined to fail than succeed. But according to experts, that's not necessarily true. Every single relationship can ...
Kate Beckinsale's boyfriend and past relationships as she stars in The Widow  Metro.co.ukKate Beckinsale has had a couple of high profile relationships including her long-term partner Michael Sheen.
Jacqueline Jossa says having children has strained her relationship with Dan Osborne  Daily MailHer relationship with husband Dan Osborne has made headlines over cheating rumours in recent weeks.
It's all about relationships: Why new Pelicans VP David Griffin may be able to keep Anthony Davis in New...  The AthleticDo not assume David Griffin's first order of business will be to trade Anthony Davis From the Pelicans. Joe Vardon tells us why.
9 Surprising Relationship Stages All Long-Term Couples Go Through  BustleEven though it seems like healthy long-term relationships should be nothing but smooth sailing, the reality is pretty much every couple will go through ups and ...
This Is The Difference Between Casual Hookups & Casual Relationships, According To Experts  Elite DailyIt can be near impossible to know what to call the person you're "seeing" (read: sleeping with) but not really "dating" (read: attending family functions with).
How to Use 'the Law of Reciprocity' to Build Better Business Relationships  EntrepreneurAs an entrepreneur, you have countless relationships you need to manage on a daily basis. There are your employees. There are the vendors who provide ...
Married at First Sight - a 'social experiment' all but guaranteeing relationship failure  The Conversation AUMarried at First Sight is meant to be about finding love. But relationship science suggests the experiment is actually a perfect storm of factors that predict ...
Undercover police conned us into ‘relationships’. We need a judge who understands  The GuardianSir John Mitting is unfit to oversee the inquiry, says one of the women who took legal action against the Metropolitan police.
Destinations Still Rely on Relationships to Attract Events  SkiftSecuring and hosting a large meeting or convention can be the pinnacle for a destination. How you go about it can range from using the latest technology.
Friends: All Of Monica's Relationships, Ranked | ScreenRant  Screen RantIn Friends, it's hard to picture Monica with anyone but Chandler in the later seasons — however, she had other boyfriends too!
If You Hate Casual Relationships, You're Probably One Of These 3 Zodiac Signs  Elite DailyWhen it comes to dating, it's not always easy to be easy-breezy. Whether you fall in love quickly, you always seem to catch feelings, or you have no interest in ...
Hilaria Baldwin's message about being a stepmom to Alec's daughter is so relatable  USA TODAYThe mother of four says her language towards Ireland may be different than her biological children out of respect for her mother, Kim Basinger.
Bauhaus Books: The Relationship of Things  Wall Street JournalThe Bauhaus taught that everything from office blocks to coffee mugs could be infused with social values.
College romance: Are there policies in place on student-faculty relationships?  WYDailyIs it against school policy for professors or other campus staff members to engage in consensual intimate relationships with students? For some colleges…
How Open Relationships and Psychedelics Have Shaped This Entrepreneur's Mindset  EntrepreneurGerard Adams and Aubrey Marcus talk about the role of open relationships and psychedelics in building his brand and business.
Relationships with Coaches, Players Attracted Ibrahima Diallo to Ohio State | Eleven Warriors  Eleven WarriorsRelationships with Chris Holtmann, Ohio State's coaches and players sold Ibrahima Diallo on choosing to become a Buckeye.
29-year-old man in relationship with robot, plans to marry it  NewsBytesLove for machines is real, but sometimes it goes up to a point where things may seem hard to believe. Case in point: Joey Morris, a 29-year-old who has been ...
Relationship Experts Debated If Stalking People On Dating Apps Is Healthy & TBH, I'm Surprised  Elite DailyInformation is everywhere, and it's completely natural to want to know more about someone. Let's say you went on a great date with a person from a dating app.
15-year-old killed by mother, brother over relationship  Hindustan TimesA woman and her 17-year-old son were booked on Thursday for allegedly murdering her 15-year-old daughter following an argument over her relationship with ...
Game Of Thrones: 15 Worst Relationships (And 10 Of The Best)  Screen RantIn a few days, Game of Thrones final season begins. After years of rising popularity, becoming one of the most-watched and beloved series ever, the bid for ...
Flooding, climate change force Quebecers to rethink relationship with water  CityNews VancouverMONTREAL — Quebec's history, mythology and culture are intertwined with its rivers and lakes, but recurring floods that experts say will only get worse because ...
ASK AMY: Engaged couple's relationship is in escrow  Toronto SunDear Amy: I am recently engaged. We have been together for almost three years.Like all new couples, we have had our rough patches but we worked through ...
Why Do People (Not) Cheat in Relationships?  Psychology TodayNew research examines why some people cheat while others remain faithful.

The Flames of Love

Suppose you have everything; a good job, good health, good... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More

Celebrate Friendship Day with Fresh Flowers!

Send flowers this Friendship Day, Sunday, August 7th! Across the... Read More

The Relativity of Your Life

We live in the world of the relative. What and... Read More

Noon (A Love Story)

Noon (A Short Love story, dedicated to my wife Rosa)Marina,... Read More

Sometimes You Got to Spy ? Dealing with Online Infidelity

Online infidelity is more prevalent than you think. This includes... Read More

Dont Ignore the Signs: How Emotional Infidelity Can Ruin Your Relationship

Emotional infidelity can start with a simple hi or a... Read More

Tune Up Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart?... Read More

8 Ways to Improve Your Long Distance Relationship

Couples in love may often find themselves having to live... Read More

My Fairy Tale Is Gone

Dear Candace,My girlfriend and I recently split up. I called... Read More

The Friend Who Taught Me

Knowing her day can be dreadfully tiresome when she mounts... Read More

Energize Your Relationship By Celebrating Hoodie-Hoo Day February 20th

What is Hoodie-Hoo Day and what does it have to... Read More

Warning Signs He / She May Not Be The One

We've all looked back on past relationships and said, "What... Read More

Relationships that Work: How to Get Along with People Who Drive You Crazy

Question: What % of your bad moods at work are... Read More

Daisies A Story About Life

"I love daisies too," she told him several nights after... Read More

Home For The Holidays: Start That Conversation

Annie waited too long to have that talk with her... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 3

Liar, Liar! Pants On Fire!Today, you'll learn about 2 yellow-flag... Read More

The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U.

"Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in... Read More

Catch a Cheating Lover?

Relationships. Virtually all of us are in one, or at... Read More

Relationships: Last a Lifetime

Stepping into a new position brought along a few surprises.... Read More

Why Its Good To Be Alone

Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More

If You Love Me

If you love me, you will keep my commandments?In the... Read More

Cheating Wives and Cheating Husbands Give Different Reasons for Having Extramarital Affairs

Infidelity studies indicate that the percentage of cheating wives is... Read More

Relationship Advice: Grieving Before Going On

Q. I got married for the first time when I... Read More

Frugal Ways To Show Your Love

At one time, I would have never wanted to share... Read More