Better Than Help

One thing that women in abusive relationships and their family and friends frequently request is 'help'; help to change the situation. While I understand, and can relate only too well, to their sentiment, the term 'help' makes me feel uncomfortable.

Perhaps I can clarify what I mean with an example. A woman I know believes she has found her big idea and her mission. She is constantly looking for people to 'help' her to realise her dream. (She doesn't feel that she can take charge of realising her dream herself.) So people constantly find her who promise help, but first expect her to help them - generally by paying significant sums of money towards some ill defined scheme of theirs; in very short order.

The problem with 'help' is when it is a cover for dependence. By 'help' we mean someone who will take at least partial responsibility for what we want to do. We look for this 'help', or powerful intervention, when we doubt our own adequacy.

Freeing yourself from an abusive relationship is no small matter. But looking for 'help' to do it, can lead to further disappointment. Unless you are clear about precisely what you mean and the limits of what you can expect, you may feel that what is out there is rather less than you were wishing for.

First off, any woman will need practical advice, about how to manage leaving the relationship. It is well worth becoming familiar with the information available through domestic violence organisations, like www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/domesticviolence.html.

Then, they will need practical support of the kind provided by a Refuge or Domestic Violence Support Group.

They will also need understanding of the trauma they have been through and the effect that it has had on them. They will need to understand that the very low opinion they have of themselves is all part of the trauma and can be reversed. An understanding of the mechanics of abuse is available through Domestic Violence Support groups and books such as Sandra Horley's 'The Charm Factor' and Robin Norwood's 'Women Who Love Too Much'.

They will need to internalise how this applies to them. This tends to be a longer process, requiring in depth work with someone with an understanding of this particular field, someone who specialises in working with survivors of abusive relationships.

Finally, they need to learn how to recreate their faith in, and love for, themselves. They have to build a strong foundation of self-worth and self-trust. This may sound like the hardest part of all, but it doesn't have to be. Once they have access to the appropriate tools, making the shift from hopelessness to self-realisation and positiveness becomes almost effortless.

Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women who have survived abusive relationships heal relationship pain so they can reach their full emotional and personal stature.

Email:[email protected] Websites: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com, http://www.anniekaszina.com To order Annie's eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be', or subscribe to Annie's free, twice monthly ezine, go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

In The News:

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at https://news.google.com/news

Forbes

7 Ways To Improve Your Relationships At Work
Forbes
Being a career coach, I've heard a lot of stories about workplace interactions, mainly between an employer and employee. In fact, one global study found that 79% of people who quit their jobs cite 'lack of appreciation' as their reason for leaving. If ...


Bustle

9 Times Reaching A Plateau In Your Relationship Is A Problem
Bustle
Relationships go through phases, just like individuals do. But if you're going through a romantic relationship plateau, it can feel quite jarring. While not all plateaus signal that there's a bigger issue with a relationship, there are some signs to ...


Forbes

How Social Media Usage Affects Doctor To Patient Relationships
Forbes
Another massive study conducted at the University of Groningen, The Netherlands, indicates that social media has even a stronger impact on doctor-patient relationships. After analyzing over 1,700 articles, researches identified that the patients' use ...


Forbes

How To Overcome The Three Challenges Of Maintaining Professional Relationships
Forbes
With refined communication skills at the ready and a host of networking opportunities marked on your calendar, you're well on your way to building the strong relationships you need to succeed in your career. But simply making connections just isn't ...


Psychology Today (blog)

To Understand Your Relationships, Try Understanding Yourself
Psychology Today (blog)
Relationships involve a constant give-and-take between the desires of each partner for both self-expression and intimacy. According to a recent paper by University of California Davis psychologist Christopher Hopwood and Michigan State University's ...


PatientEngagementHIT.com

How Online Medical Info Impacts Patient-Provider Relationships
PatientEngagementHIT.com
November 19, 2018 - The slew of online medical information is impacting patient-provider relationships, according to a new survey from Merck Manuals. The survey of 240 family physicians found that patients are increasingly accessing online medical ...


Fast Company

Furniture shopping really does kill relationships
Fast Company
All the decision-making, particularly around such expensive items, puts a lot of strain on relationships. The average American couple has 72 arguments around purchasing decisions when setting up their homes. This is a process that takes, on average ...


The Florida Times-Union

Live for Life: Marriage enrichment nonprofit helps save relationships, reduce Duval divorce rate
The Florida Times-Union
April and Tad O'Brien connected online in June 2012 and met in person a month later at a Jacksonville Sharks game, breaking the ice by following the theme of the night and dressing up in '70s garb. They were both divorced with children, had careers and ...

and more »

Social relationships more important than hard evidence in partisan politics
Science Daily
Three factors drive the formation of social and political groups according to the research: social pressure to have stronger opinions, the relationship of an individual's opinions to those of their social neighbors, and the benefits of having social ...

and more »

BBC News

What it's like to be in a 'throuple' relationship
BBC News
On Tuesday 20th November 5 Live is hosting the #sextakeover - a day of programming focussed on sexual behaviour, relationships and attitudes in the UK. Ahead of the event we spoke to husband and wife Thomas and Cathy, and their partner Nicole.

Google News

What Does It Really Mean When You Pass or Fail A Relationship Quiz?

Q. It seems that no matter what magazine I am... Read More

The Man - Truth of The Visual Being

The article What Turns Them On explained about how men... Read More

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More

Relationship Advice - How to Get Out and Stay Out of Relationships Ruts

"The only difference between a rut and a grave are... Read More

The Revenge Affair: Characteristics of the Adulterer

"I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" is one of... Read More

Relationship Advice: The Me Approach or the We Approach

A husband and wife were doing a little redecorating and... Read More

Are You Living An Illusion Romance Like Lisa Snowdon and George Clooney?

My Dear Lover,Today I am sad, I don't have good... Read More

How a Three Letter Word Kills Good Relationships

"You know, I really do love fish!" My friend... Read More

Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner

IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More

Relationship Problems: Whats Your Contribution?

As the story goes, there was once a farmer and... Read More

How To Seduce A Woman The Right Way

Gentlemen, if you really want to seduce a woman the... Read More

An Introduction to Relationships

"Love makes the world go around" was true when it... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Meet Emotional Needs

Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want''... Read More

Dinner Scooped Off the Floor - Why Men Wont Commit

"We strengthen a muscle by using it, and that is... Read More

Why Its Good To Be Alone

Have you noticed that there's an ebb and flow to... Read More

How to Handle Problem People: Life Lessons from a Balky Bovine

Do you have people in your life that p? (make... Read More

Relationship Reality: Are Your Relationships Based In Reality or Fantasy?

Within the next two to three minutes, you will uncover... Read More

Second Time Around the Block

Divorce happens. I'm not going to debate the causes or... Read More

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 2

Troll Detection Made EasyDue to their overwhelming lack of social... Read More

The Best Break Up Advice

Extreme Breakup Recovery Maximum Healing ? Minimum TimeIf you are... Read More

Only You Can Decide If Your Interracial Love Will Stand the Test of Time

Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More

10 Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart (Part I)

When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many... Read More

Did Casanova Really Need the Oysters?

Scientists are rubbing their hands together with glee. A recent... Read More

Long Distance Love

Before the advent of the internet, long-distance relationships were rare.... Read More