Deprecated: mysql_connect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/a26f9f83/public_html/articles/includes/config.php on line 159
Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help > NetSparsh - Viral Content you Love & Share

Extramarital Affairs: What Everyone Needs to Know and What You Can Do to Help

Recent statistics suggest that 40% of women (and that number is increasing) and 60% of men at one point indulge in extramarital affairs. Put those numbers together and it is estimated that 80% of the marriages will have one spouse at one point or another involved in marital infidelity.

That may seem like a very steep number. However after two decades plus of full time work as a marriage and family therapist, I don't believe that number is off the charts. I worked with a great number of people involved in infidelity who were never discovered.

The possibility that someone close to you is or soon will be involved in an extramarital affair (any of the three parties) is extremely high.

Maybe you will know. You will see telltale signs. You will notice changes in the person's habits and behavioral patterns as well as a detachment, lack of focus and reduced productivity. Maybe you will sense something "out of character" but be unable to pinpoint what it is.

It is not a given that he/she will tell you. Those hiding the affair will continue to hide. The "victim" of the extramarital affair often, at least initially, is racked with anger, hurt, embarrassment and thoughts of failing that preclude divulging the crisis.

It might be important to confront the person with your observations, depending on the status of your relationship with the person.

It is important to understand that extramarital affairs are different and serve different purposes.

Out of my study and experience with hundreds of couples I've identified 7 different kinds of infidelity.

Briefly, some extramarital affairs are reactivity to a perceived lack of intimacy in the marriage. Others arise out of addictive tendencies or a history of sexual confusion or trauma.

Some in our culture play out issues of entitlement and power by becoming "trophy chasers." This "boys will be boys" mentality is subtly encouraged in some contexts. Some become involved in marital infidelity because of a high need for drama and excitement and are enthralled with the idea of "being in love" and having that "loving feeling."

An extramarital affair might be for revenge either because the spouse did or did not do something. Or the revenge may stem from rage. Although revenge is the motive for both, they look and feel very different.

Another form of infidelity serves the purpose of affirming personal desirability. A nagging question of being "OK" may lead to usually a short-term and one-person affair. And finally, some affairs are a dance that attempts to balance needs for distance and intimacy in the marriage, often with collusion from the spouse.

The prognosis for survivability of the marriage is different for each. Some affairs are the best thing that happens to a marriage. Others serve a death knell. As well, different extramarital affairs demand different strategies on the part of the spouse or others. Some demand toughness and movement. Others demand patience and understanding.

The emotional impact of the discovery of infidelity is usually profound. Days and weeks of sleeplessness, rumination, fantasies (many sexual) and unproductivity follow. It typically takes 2 ? 4 years to "work through" the implications. A good coach or therapist can accelerate and mollify the process. I don't recommend "marriage" counseling, at least initially.

The devastating emotional impact results from a couple powerful dynamics. Trust is shattered ? of one's ability to discern the truth. The most important step is NOT to learn to trust the other person, but to learn to trust one's self. Another is the power that a secret plays in relationships. THE secret exacts an emotional and sometimes physical toll that needs to be acknowledged and dealt with.

How can you help?

Those in the midst of their affair crisis told me they need this from you:

1. Sometimes I want to vent, get it out without censor. I know sometimes I will say what I shouldn't be saying. It may not be nice, pretty or mild. Please know that I know better, but I need to get it off my chest.

2. Every so often I want to hear something like, "This too shall pass." Remind me that this is not forever.

3. I want to be validated. I want to know that I am OK. You can best do that by nodding acceptance when I talk about the pain or confusion.

4. I want to hear sometimes, "What are you learning? What are you doing to take care of yourself?" I may need that little jolt that moves me beyond my pain to see the larger picture.

5. I may want space. I may want you to be quiet and patient as I attempt to sort through and express my thoughts and feelings. Give me some time to stammer, stutter and stumble my way through this.

6. I want someone to point out some new options or different roads that I might take. But before you do this, make sure I am first heard and validated.

7. When they pop into your mind, recommend books or other resources that you think I might find helpful.

8. I want to hear every so often, "How's it going?" And, I may want this to be more than an informal greeting. Give me time and space to let you know exactly how it IS going.

9. I want you to understand and welcome the ambivalent feelings and desires. I would like you to be fairly comfortable with the gray areas and the contradictions about how I feel and what I may want.

10. I want you to be predictable. I want to be able to count on you to be there, listen and speak consistently or let me know when you are unable to do that. I will honor that.

Extramarital affairs are powerful. Affairs are costly. They affect family, friends, colleagues and employers. Infidelity is also an opportunity ? to redesign one's life and love relationships in ways that create honor, joy and true intimacy.

Dr. Robert Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach, has helped hundreds of couples over the past two decades heal from the agony of extramarital affairs and survive infidelity. Visit his website at: http://www.break-free-from-the-af fair.com

In The News:

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at https://news.google.com/news

Wealth may drive preference for short-term relationships: Rresource ...
Science Daily
According to new research by psychologists, resource-rich environments may cause people to favor short-term relationships.

and more »

Wealth May Drive Desire for Short-Term Relationships
PsychCentral.com
A new U.K. study finds that after being exposed to the prospect of wealth, many people tend to prefer more short-term relationships than they did previously. The researchers suggest that a resource-rich environment may — at least in part — help ...

and more »

The Villager

FOR THE LOVE OF RELATIONSHIPS – Audacious ideas for 2018
The Villager
How does one improve such an amazing state like Colorado? What will make this state stand out as a beacon of wonder and goodness for children and adults alike? How can we get to the core of challenges such as poverty, violence, substance abuse ...


CNN

A 's-show': Relationships fray in immigration fight - CNNPolitics
CNN
Sen. Lindsey Graham blasted President Donald Trump's staff, saying they have not served the President well and some have "an irrational view" on immigration.
A 's-show': Relationships fray in immigration fightWQAD.com
Trump derides protections for immigrants from 'shithole' countriesWashington Post

all 10,386 news articles »

Centralia Chronicle

Law Firm Building Local Relationships For More Than 70 Years
Centralia Chronicle
Look no further than the law firm of Althauser Rayan Abbarno when you think about local businesses with deep community roots and a history of involvement and public service. Since 1946, Althauser Rayan Abbarno, LLP has served our community and provided ...


Inside Higher Ed

Reaching Out to the Right
Inside Higher Ed
A few college presidents say that developing relationships with conservative students is an important part of a strategy for a collegial campus. By. Jeremy Bauer-Wolf. January 16, 2018. 0 Comments. By their own account, some conservative students at ...


Toledo Blade

'Annapurna' reflects on conflicted relationships
Toledo Blade
The Village Players continues its season with Sharr White's Annapurna, opening Friday for six performances. When the story begins, it's been 20 years since Emma has seen her ex-husband, Ulysses; things didn't end well. She left him, taking their 5-year ...


Greatist

Strategies That Helped Me Build a Healthy Relationship After Sexual Assault
Greatist
If you had asked me a few years ago if I thought I could ever be in a healthy relationship, I would have politely said no and then excused myself from the conversation to go cry in the bathroom. But today, six years after escaping an abusive ...


The more competitive, the more passionate in romantic relationships, study finds
Science Daily
Previous research comparing passion in romantic relationships on an international scale found that people in North America are more passionate than East Asians, such as the Japanese and Chinese. But this phenomenon is apparently inconsistent with the ...


'Technology that creates relationships'
Opelika Observer
Connecting individuals and organizations to services, volunteer opportunities and needs present in the Opelika-Auburn area is the main objective of Village Creed, a new community engagement platform that launched earlier this week. Kermit Farmer ...

Google News

Boston Lawyers, DC Lawyers and Individual Rights

Looks like everyone wants to sue someone right? Well, I... Read More

The Lies That Saved a Judges Life

What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but... Read More

Dating Women From Russia: Important Tips The Marriage Agencies Never Tell You

I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More

Relationship Advice: 5 Tips to Make a Strong Marriage Even Better

1. Time together is time during which the complete focus... Read More

Relationship Advice - How to Improve Intimacy

A relationship requires intimacy. I don't think anyone would argue... Read More

Relationship Advice: Who Are You and What Have You Done with My Spouse?

"When we marry, we don't marry one person, we marry... Read More

I Said Yes, I Meant No, and Now I Want Out

Imagine this; you have the opportunity to go away for... Read More

[Conflict Resolution] The Philosophy of Fear and Confrontation

Is there now, or has there been, a person or... Read More

Why Do Men and Women Misunderstand Each Other So Much

Joke from a Woman to another Woman "Some husbands are... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More

Think INSIDE the Square to Keep Those Love Fires Burning

I was sitting in my sanctuary in my back yard... Read More

Yellow and Orange Flags in Relationships

It's been said that love is blind. It may also... Read More

Are the Neighbors Next Door Secretly Swinging?

The swinging lifestyle does not discriminate against race, body type,... Read More

Romantic Tips - Keeping Romance Alive

You've been in a relationship for quite some time and... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Tips for a Blissful Relationship

1.Often in marriage, especially in the early years, there is... Read More

The Unfairly Judged Professor

An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously;... Read More

Only You Can Decide If Your Interracial Love Will Stand the Test of Time

Interracial dating has really evolved over the past two decades... Read More

Friends and Friendship - Who are Friends, What is Friendship

A friend loves at all times, and a brother is... Read More

Zodiac Love Match ? Can the Stars be Right?

As a somewhat older gentleman (but still fairly good looking... Read More

Making New Friends

How do we make friends? More importantly if dropped into... Read More

10 Tips For A Happy Relationship

It's not working. Your relationship with your partner is not... Read More

Learning to Trust Again

Eleven o'clock on a weeknight I found myself phoning a... Read More

Being Mindful of Your Mates Space

SOMETIMES I'LL ask a couple I'm seeing in therapy to... Read More

When A Two-Salary Income Fails

While this may not apply to everyone, you may find... Read More

Lobster - The Food Of Romantics

Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More