Deprecated: mysql_connect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/a26f9f83/public_html/articles/includes/config.php on line 159
How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship > NetSparsh - Viral Content you Love & Share

How To Support Friends and Loved Ones Through an Abusive Relationship

This is a question that comes up a lot. It's hugely frustrating, as well as difficult and painful to watch someone you care about struggle in the quicksand of an abusive relationship.

It's frustrating because we can see all the things that they can't. We'd love to help them ? which probably means getting them to adopt the solution that we know is right. But they don't see it, and they're not going to do it.

It's difficult because you start to feel like you're caught up in Groundhog Day. They reach the point of leaving, they may well even leave? and then the whole thing goes around again, and again. Maybe the same partner, maybe a different one. But you hear the same story again and again.

In the end your emotional investment wears you out. You end up feeling resentful towards them for what they're putting you through.

It's painful because watching someone turn into a shadow of their former self is tragic. All the more so when there are children who are also suffering. Witnessing the pain of someone you care about and not being able to make it go away, really taxes us.

So how do we support them?

First we need to be clear about the distinction between helping and supporting them. We cannot help them, i.e. move them on even so much as a millimetre. What we can do is be there for them. That doesn't mean making ourselves available to listen 100% of the time.

What it does mean is simply acknowledging and respecting their right to make choices, or else stick with the situation. However disastrous it may appear from the outside, they are making the best choices they can at the time. They already feel pretty bad about themselves; your continued respect may make more of a difference than you could imagine.

Second, we mustn't give up on them. There is a very human temptation, at some point, to say "Whatever", and walk away. Abusers create a void around their victim that leaves the victim even more dependent. It's very easy to end up becoming irritated with the victim. When you do, you're actually colluding with the abuser.

If an abused loved one can't hold on to the thought of life beyond their relationship, then that is something important we can do for them. This simply means believing and trusting that they will come out the other side of this. Even if neither of you can predict the timescale.

Third, we can hold onto the knowledge of who they truly are. Over time, living with a self-appointed King of the Jungle reduces them to feeling little better than a cockroach. We can hold ? and remind them of- their gifts, their qualities, their uniqueness, their lovableness, until they are able to do it for themselves. Our vision may be the resource that starts them on their journey to recovery.

It doesn't even have to be a major holding operation on our part. Remember, abuse leaves its victims starving because it systematically closes down any channel of nourishment. Often, by opening up a channel we offer them more sustenance than we could possibly imagine.

To a friend of mine who has suffered hugely at the hands of a homicidally brutal partner and lost sight of herself, I sent a list of the blessings that she did not see. The list is incredibly empowering for her and she treasures it. It reads like this:

1) You are blessed with good and loving friends.

2) You inspire great love in those around you.

3) You have two wonderful children - maybe not easy, but definitely wonderful.

4) You have enormous strength.

5) You have a vast reservoir of talents.

6) You are an extraordinarily loving and supportive person.

7) You have a talent for creating beauty.

8) You have an extraordinarily attractive personality

9) You have formidable energy

10) All this and there is still, I'd guess, about another 85% of capacity that you are currently not able to access efficiently.

My friend is unique and gifted. So are all our friends and loved ones. Another person's list may be different, but it will be no less extraordinary. We are all uniquely gifted and wonderful. Yet we may need to have our eyes opened to this fact. Repeatedly.

We support others best when we offer them a valid, empowering vision of themselves. We support ourselves when we do the self-same thing for ourselves.

(C) Annie Kaszina 2004

Annie Kaszina Specialist Women's Empowerment Coach and NLP Practitioner. Author of the ebook "The Woman You Want To Be"

e-mail me at

Annie is passionate about helping women to attract the relationships they truly want.

You can subscribe to Annie's free ezine at

In The News:

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at

Wall Street Journal

Intel CEO Krzanich Resigns Over Relationship With Employee
Wall Street Journal
Intel has a longstanding, non-fraternization policy that prohibits managers from having sexual or romantic relationships with employees who report directly or indirectly to them, a spokesman for the company said. The spokesman called the policy a ...
Intel CEO Brian Krzanich resigns after 'consensual relationship with an Intel employee'USA TODAY
Intel CEO Krzanich Resigns Over Past Consensual Relationships with EmployeeMultichannel News
Intel's Brian Krzanich is forced out as CEO after 'consensual relationship' with employeeCNBC
CBS News -Reuters -The Register
all 478 news articles »

Dom Harvey is 'hopeless at communicating' in relationships
Harvey told co-hosts Megan Annear and Clinton Randell that reflecting on the anniversary had made him realise he was "hopeless at communicating" in relationships. "I'd rather shut up and bite my tongue than say the wrong thing that ends up sparking an ...

Elle UK Magazine

28 Of The Longest Celebrity Marriages And Relationships
Elle UK Magazine
After certain marriages ( *cough* Dewan-Tatum *cough* Faris-Pratt *cough*) have recently called it quits, we can't help but feel that love might be, if not dead, certainly ailing. Thankfully, we are being totally melodramatic and romance is certainly ...


How to Make a Long-Distance Relationship Work, According to Experts
My husband Nick and I are no strangers to a long-distance relationship; and through trial and error, we figured out how to make our long-distance relationship work. We met in the Galapagos when I lived in New York and he lived in California. We never ...

Elite Daily

6 Things Not To Say To People In Relationships, Because We Have Feelings Too
Elite Daily
While it's easy to think that people in relationships have no worries (*cue “Hakuna Matata”*) because they have someone by their side, it's not a fair assumption. Everyone has their own set of issues, single or not, and frankly, when you're in a ...

Los Angeles Times

Family relationships have long been part of the bedrock of US immigration policy. Then came Trump
Los Angeles Times
Reports of young children ripped from their parents' arms at the U.S.-Mexico border are causing outrage, and rightly so. But this shocking practice is just the latest example of the Trump administration's systematic assault on bonds of love and kinship ...

and more »


AP-NORC Poll: Americans not hopeful about ties with allies
Nearly half of Americans - 46 percent - expect relationships with the country's traditional allies to get worse over the next year, while just 20 percent expect them to get better. At the same time, more expect relationships with traditionally hostile ...
AP-NORC Poll: Americans not hopeful about ally relationshipsWFTV Orlando

all 177 news articles »


7 Critical Differences Between A Healthy Relationship & One That's Too Good To Be True
At the beginning of relationships, when everything is still relatively new, it can seem like you're wrapped up in the bubble of your new relationship, when everything is full of excitement. But after a certain point, if things continue to seem like ...

Relationships Loom Large in Flat Yield Curve Environment
As PNC Real Estate VPs Jason Lamport and Tony Park tell, relationships and solid track records will serve borrowers well in an environment of flat yield curves. As reported previously, while a flat yield curve could presage an economic ...

Elite Daily

I Asked My Tinder Matches What Their Worst Qualities Are In Relationships & Wow
Elite Daily
Whether we like it or not, none of us are perfect. In a relationship, we bring both our best and worst qualities to the partnership. With any good relationship, your faults are something you work on and try to improve. When I'm in a committed ...

Google News

Looking for a Lasting, Deeply Satisfying Relationship?

"Life has taught us that love does not consist in... Read More

A Dream of the Perfect Partner

Your dream is so beautiful and it is never to... Read More

When Groucho Marx Got It Right

Groucho Marx was, I believe, a comic genius; a linguistic... Read More

Washroom Break

Picture yourself at a bar with some of your buddies.... Read More

How do We Change our Self Esteem Perception?

Many of us have heard about the power of positive... Read More

How To Tell If Someone You Meet In An Online Profile Or Advert Is Married/Partnered Or A Troll - 1

Subtitle ? A Troll? What the **** is that and... Read More

Celebrate Friendship Day with Fresh Flowers!

Send flowers this Friendship Day, Sunday, August 7th! Across the... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the One Who Strayed

To the spouse who had the affair, it's time for... Read More

Office Nomance

Are Office Romance's really that bad? The answer is ? Read More

Extramarital Affairs: When Sexual Addiction and Infidelity Meet

One kind of extramarital affair revolves around sexual addiction. The... Read More

Real Friends

About a year ago, I was talking to a friend... Read More

You Have to Read Heartbreak Rescue Just For You

"The truth that makes men free is for the most... Read More

Are Women From Utopia And Men From Wal-Mart?

It is surprising how many writers, psychologists, or scientists have... Read More

Don?t Snuff Out Expressions of Liking

It is hard to express all the emotions to somebody... Read More

The Use and Abuse of Deception

The word "deceive" is derived from Latin, de- away +... Read More

Importance Of Background In A Relationship

Should coming from the same background be a major issue... Read More

Be Glad That There?s Quarrel in Your Relationship

Is your love relationship smooth? Have the both of you... Read More

A Friend in Need

Here's the scenario: Julie, a hardworking secretary, lent money to... Read More

Lingerie Buying Advice For Guys

Buying lingerie for your lover can be one of the... Read More

How a Written Agreement Can Enhance Your Relationship

Marital contracts have an honorable history going back thousands of... Read More

It?s a Gut Feeling ? Finding love

Most single guys are settled in their life. Their mornings,... Read More

Loves All About Chemistry

People who have been swept off their feet know the... Read More

How to Kiss and Make Up

Was it a hectic day for you, or did you... Read More

Soul Mate - a Pain in the Neck

"and they lived happily ever after...That is how our favorite... Read More