He?s So Loving (But He Has These Black Moods)

It's strange how often abused women tell you how loving their partner is. Stranger still is that it usually happens after they have talked about extraordinary threats, behaviour or violence to which he has subjected them.

Obviously, it's a denial mechanism, a way of whitewashing his character.

It's also about the hunger for love - a hunger that becomes greater with every abusive outburst. In part, it's about settling for crumbs ? and being grateful ? because you know that the square meal you need is not on offer. But that's not all it is.

Abusive men are generally most demonstrative after a temper tantrum or violent outburst. Once they've got their fury off their chest, they may feel remorse. Briefly. Or they may just worry that they might have 'blown it' this time. So they pull out the stops, putting on the best display of affection they can. The operative word here is display.

I have a little dog who is very loving. Nobody could ever accuse her of being loyal, but she sure is loving. What does that mean in practice? It means that she makes everyone she meets feel special and welcome in her world. She is a delightfully sunny tempered little creature. Especially those people who are terrified of dogs love her.

They love her because she is gentle, affectionate and safe. (The only savagery she ever exhibits is when she attacks the belt of my dressing gown.)

Now, if she were ever to show aggression and attack people's ankles - she really is small - she would not be a loving little dog who 'has these black moods'. She would be A Vicious Dog. (I pray she never will be.)

Abused women live their lives between a rock and a hard place. They feel they have to believe in their partner, because they no longer believe in themselves.

They end up living in a world turned on its head, where intolerable behaviour is excused by emotional incontinence. In this topsy-turvy world, having a black mood gives the abuser carte blanche to inflict it on those closest to him.

Recovery starts when abused women begin to judge their two-legged partner by the same standards that most rational people apply to their four-legged friends.

(C) 2005 Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women's Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal the trauma of the past, so they can enjoy the present and look forward to the future.

Email:[email protected] To subscribe to Annie's twice monthly ezine, or order her eBook 'The Woman You Want To Be, go: to http://www.joyfulcoaching.com

In The News:

My flip flop relationship with sugar  The Times of India Blog
Relationships: Lost and Found  The New Indian Express
10 Powerful Relationship Tools  Psychology Today

Girl Talk - Boy Talk

Chas and Dave wrote a song about it and how... Read More

Destroyers of Relationships

Communication and listening is very important in any relationship. For... Read More

To Know You Is To Love You

How do you show someone you love them? Do you... Read More

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!

Wow, Grandma Is Dating!When Lena, 52, began dating, her son,... Read More

Romantic Gift Guide

It is a commonly held belief, mainly amongst men, that... Read More

You Have to Read Heartbreak Rescue Just For You

"The truth that makes men free is for the most... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Meet Emotional Needs

Harville Hendrix, in his book ``Getting the Love You Want''... Read More

27 Characteristics of Loving Men

Every woman dreams of meeting that special man that knows... Read More

Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places? - How to fine tune your relationship radar

I don't think a week goes by that I don't... Read More

Feel Like a (Romantic) Kid Again

If the start of the school year makes you a... Read More

Relationship Advice: 4 Steps to a Genuine Apology

A genuine apology contains at least four elements: apology, acknowledgment,... Read More

Legal Agreement to Cohabitate Between Unmarried Persons

THIS AGREEMENT is made and entered into this Third day... Read More

Valentines Day Gifts Can Expose a Cheating Husband

If you have the uneasy feeling that your husband is... Read More

Secrets of the Opposite Sex

Secrets of the Opposite SexMany jokes, problems, and conversations revolve... Read More

Women and Men: Never The Twain Shall Meet

"Dear Happy Guy,"I just don't understand men. Last night I... Read More

Managing Miscommunication - Asking The Agreement Question?

A man and woman were trying to move a couch... Read More

Dating Women From Russia: Important Tips The Marriage Agencies Never Tell You

I want to share with you information that the Russian... Read More

The Fine Art of Flirting

Did you know that it is not necessarily your looks... Read More

Womens Cosmic Personality Quiz: Are You a Star Woman or an Earth Mother?

Star Women are visionary leaders, and focused on the future.... Read More

Great Relatinship Advice: The Ability to Create a Vision for Your Relationship

Many of us stumble into marriage and then continue to... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

Choosing an Online Dating Service

The problem with choosing a dating service is choice --... Read More

Discerning The Loving Heart

How often have you had the experience of connecting with... Read More

Simple Love Spells

Here are some very simple rituals, some old, and some... Read More

The Ancient Wisdom of Matchmaking & Loving Y.O.U.

"Know Thyself" PlatoIsn't it curious how just about everything in... Read More