Deprecated: mysql_connect(): The mysql extension is deprecated and will be removed in the future: use mysqli or PDO instead in /home/a26f9f83/public_html/articles/includes/config.php on line 159
The First Ninety Days > NetSparsh - Viral Content you Love & Share

The First Ninety Days

A friend of mine recently commented on the amazing number of romance novels written and the huge amount of money being made in that industry. He then shared his observation that these romance novels don't usually tell their stories beyond the first ninety days or so. He said people just want to read about the romance of falling in love, not of the day-to-day life of being in long-term relationships.

I told him that it's not necessarily ninety days, but that's a fair enough number to use for discussion purposes. I went on to tell him that those first ninety days of a relationship set the tone for the rest of the time you're with someone. Typically, if a relationship goes sour in the first ninety days, it's not going to survive much longer. If on the other hand, it's a beautiful first ninety days, then the relationship has a foundation to grow on. In the first ninety days, the atmosphere of a relationship is set. When rough patches occur in the relationship, the couple often looks back to that honeymoon stage for inspiration to work through the problems. If the first ninety days doesn't create something worth fighting for, then where's the motivation to keep the love alive?

I thought back on some of my own relationships. I have had three major relationships as an adult. One never had a 'first ninety days.' I had decided to marry someone who was just a friend in order to give my two young children a chance at having a dad. The only thing that motivated me to work through the problems was my children's desire to keep their new dad around. When they quit wanting him around, I was no longer motivated to bother with him. Another one's 'first ninety days' only lasted about a month. By the time the first ninety days was over, I had gotten pregnant despite using two forms of birth control. Again, for the sake of our child, I would try to make it work. However, during that first ninety days, he had cheated on me and done many other horrible destructive things to our relationship. Finding the motivation to stick with him was very difficult. Another one had an amazing and wonderful 'first ninety days' that lasted for a year. As a result, I fought tooth and nail to make that relationship work when things weren't going well. All three relationships had good days and bad, but it was so much easier to believe that we could have a beautiful future together if we'd had a beautiful past together.

The first ninety days is very important. It sets the foundation of 'happily ever after.' No relationship can be all perfect all of the time, but with a strong foundation created right from the start, couples have something to hold onto, something to call sacred and holy. That foundation should include elements of romance, trust, magic, attraction, and a likeminded long-term vision of how their life together will unfold. The first ninety days gives you something solid to believe in.

Romance novels typically end with the couple happily married and delighting in the beauty of their children. It's a safe place to end the story because they've already established a rock solid foundation to build their lives upon. Look at the ending of Gone With The Wind. Scarlett and Rhett did not set up a strong foundation at the beginning of their relationship. We were left wondering if he would ever accept her back into his heart. In the sequel, she finally creates 'the first ninety days' with him. She had to create an atmosphere of romance, trust, magic, attraction, and a likeminded long-term vision of how their life together will unfold. She had to be the one to do it, because she was the one who refused his attempts to create that foundation in the first movie. He then had to wrestle with his conflicting memories of the first time they had been together as a couple and the second time they were together. He eventually gets in touch with that part of himself that had loved her all along. They finally can end the story with 'happily ever after' because the foundation was finally built and accepted as real. It's not very often that people get a second chance to create the first ninety days.

I love to ask couples who have been happily married for a long time how they met. I also ask them how they knew this was the right person for them. Their stories of the first ninety days are always beautiful and often last longer than ninety days. So many of them are love at first sight stories. So many of them have one basic element that flows throughout the entire story of their relationship. Just like in the first ninety days, every time they really take a long hard look at their partner, they fall in love all over again. There's something enchanting about that other person that no matter what happens, they keep falling in love with them, over and over and over again. They relive that first ninety days regardless of life's ups and downs. They seldom tell stories of losing faith in the relationship or of ever really wanting to walk away. .

Romance novels sell so well because we love the stories of romance. Movies are no different than books. Look at some of the all time greatest movies that center around love stories. We love to hear of others setting up such amazing and powerful foundations that can never be torn down. It's hidden in the depths of the human soul, that need to believe that happily ever after really happens. We especially like to see the couple overcome adversity only to have it bring them even closer together. It gives us hope. It gives us something to aspire to. We love those first ninety days.

Copyright 2003, Skye Thomas, Tomorrow's Edge

About The Author

Skye Thomas began writing books and articles with an everyday practical approach to spirituality, motivation, and inspiration in 1999 after twenty years of studying spirituality, metaphysics, motivation, and parenting. More of her articles can be found at as well as free previews of her books.

In The News:

This RSS feed URL is deprecated, please update. New URLs can be found in the footers at

Psychology Today (blog)

Monogamy, Cheating, And Open Relationships
Psychology Today (blog)
Here, I re-visit an issue addressed many blogs ago regarding the prevalence and nature of nonmonogamous relationships. Information comes from the 2012 National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior (n = 2270) (Levine & colleagues, 2018). Of those ... (blog)

Grey's Anatomy's best hookups (and relationships) (blog)
Some say Grey's Anatomy is a medical drama that happens to feature a lot of romance, but it's our belief that it's a show about relationships that just happens to take place at a hospital. Need proof? Just look inside the elevators. Or the supply ...

and more »

New York Post

Here's why relationships are making us fatter
New York Post
If you've gained weight in a committed relationship, you're not alone. Almost 80 percent of Americans put on “love weight” when they began dating their current partner, according to a new study conducted for Jenny Craig. Here's a look at some of the ...

and more »

Psychology Today (blog)

4 Reasons We Blind Ourselves to Our Bad Relationships
Psychology Today (blog)
In my years as a psychologist and advice columnist, I've seen an inordinate amount of people suffering in toxic or even abusive relationships. Often, as an outside observer, we can become incredulous as to why someone would stay in a situation that was ...

Irish Times

How to repair frayed relationships
Irish Times
Our relationships with family, partners and friends provide the support, love, care and empathy we need. But when they aren't working, or have broken down, it's creates a stress that has massive implications for our emotional wellbeing. In this ...

and more »

New York Post

This man has broken up 4000 relationships and counting
New York Post
“All I'm asking is, have you ever been in a situation like that in a relationship where you felt trapped like you couldn't get out of it and it was just easier to stay in it?” It's the kind of question you expect to hear from a psychologist rather than ...
How one man has broken up 4000 relationships and caused 17 divorces - in just 10
The man that has broken up 17 marriages and 4000 relationshipsCambridge News
Oh. A man just single-handedly broke up thousands of relationships… and counting.Mamamia
Birmingham Live -Plymouth Herald -Scottish Daily Record
all 10 news articles »

The Guardian

Elena Ferrante: 'Is there a formula for a lasting relationship?'
The Guardian
It's better to find out first, through circumspect questioning, if the relationship with Franco is still on, or if he has been replaced by a Gianni or a Giorgio, because even the most long-term relationships can end suddenly, and no one – today more ...

Baltimore Sun

Baltimore man told police that hatred of interracial relationships inspired fatal Times Square stabbing
Baltimore Sun
Timothy Caughman described himself on Twitter as a can and bottle recycler, an autograph collector, and a good businessman. The 66-year-old had a knack for spotting celebrities on the streets of New York, and managed to get stars like Oprah and Wyclef ...

and more »

The Standard

How one man has broken up 4000 relationships, caused 17 divorces - in just 10 days
The Standard
Sitting down to watch Netflix on a Saturday night is something many people do with their other half. If so, you might want to steer clear of Daniel Sloss' show - as it might lead to bit of an awkward moment or, worse still, the demise of your relationship.
WATCH: Meet The Man Who Broke Up 4000 Relationships, Caused 17 Divorces – In Just 10

all 5 news articles »

Why we need to end blame culture around toxic relationships
Ariana ended her relationship of almost two years with the rapper and producer in May and was forced to open up about the toxic nature of the relationship only a short while later, after she received abuse online following Miller's arrest for drink ...
Pete Davidson on Instagram: “@nbcsnl back next week. fuck the internet tho...”Instagram

all 116 news articles »
Google News

Lobster - The Food Of Romantics

Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes... Read More

Romantic Gift Guide

It is a commonly held belief, mainly amongst men, that... Read More

Second Fiddle

I have been seeing a married man for the past... Read More

How to Survive Long Distance Relationships

One of the great obstacles to maintaining a healthy relationship... Read More

Pen Pal Romance

We have all heard the wonderfully romantic stories of pen... Read More

Can You Become A Better Friend After Taking A Friendship Quiz?

Q. Does a friendship quiz really work?A. That depends upon... Read More

Taking the True Relationship Test

If you have ever read teen magazines you will be... Read More

Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More

How To Change A Loved Ones Annoying Habits

Is there someone close to you who has an annoying... Read More

You Have to Read Heartbreak Rescue Just For You

"The truth that makes men free is for the most... Read More

When A Relationship Goes Bad

What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More

What is Abuse?

Violence in the family often follows other forms of more... Read More

Coping with Your Difficulties in Yourself

Ashleigh Brillant once said""Coping with difficult people is always a... Read More

For Better Or Worse

For Better or WorseI was in the middle of a... Read More

The Economics of True Love

In the real world, can there be romance without finance?... Read More

The Male Rating System

While not necessarily New Age in nature, Samantha has noticed... Read More


AS I STARED at the sunset, I marveled at its... Read More

Ending Relationships Gracefully

In my counseling practice, I often hear the question, "How... Read More

Flirting For A Long-Term Relationship

Have you ever wondered why we flirt? I mean, we've... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

10 Clues of an Online Affair

1. Your spouse or partner spends excess time on-line. Who... Read More

Fight, Flight, or Loving Action

Fight or flight - our automatic response to danger. When... Read More

Bring Back the Cilice Belt

Among Dan Brown's many accomplishments is bringing the cilice belt... Read More

Are Single Black Women Too Independent?

Are single black women too independent? Too sure of themselves,... Read More

What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like?

When you are dating you try to keep from a... Read More