Falling in love?aaahh what a wonderful experience the first flushes of love are. The heart starts pounding, our temperature rises, and the butterflies begin fluttering whenever the girl/boy of our dreams enters the room. The world looks so?well?rosy. Not only that, life suddenly becomes much more exciting. From my own experiences the heady excitement of first love really did my head in ? for some reason commonsense flew out the window?well in the short term anyway. I started accepting things that I normally wouldn't, pulled away from my old friends, and started to lose a part of myself to accommodate the other person.
I followed my heart when on reflection I could've saved myself quite a bit of stress had I known a few more things about sharing my life with someone. I never really asked the important questions such as who would be the major breadwinner, compared our values or really planned for the future. I simply followed my heart and went with the flow in blissful abandonment.
What do you really know about your future life long mate? Do you know what their favourite piece of music, colour, outfit, book, holiday destination is?
What about their likes and dislikes? Do you know what their level of patience and understanding is, are they aware of yours? Are they flexible or inflexible thinkers and do you recognise whether you are or not?
I've listed 10 basic points to ask each other before you reach love's point of no return. You could treat this as a date, and also as an opportunity to really get to know each other on a deeper level. Above all be tactfully truthful, treat what the other has to say with respect, and never assume the other knows what you're thinking.
If this sounds a bit clinical, consider it as a blueprint of your future lives together. Ever heard the comments "I wish I'd known what I was getting myself into." Or "I wish I knew then, what I know now." Or "I just can't understand her/him."
Here are the points:
1. Ask each other what your values are on a scale of 1 ? 10.
2. Ask what you really do not value on scale of 1 ? 10.
3. Do you both want children? If only one wants children, is there an alternative and is this issue negotiable?
4. Who will be the breadwinner after the baby is born? It's not necessarily dad anymore. Are you both okay with who will be the major breadwinner?
5. Assuming you both were employed prior to children, ask yourselves once you become a parent how long will it be before you return to paid employment. I make this point because from experience that whilst the majority of couples I've met are ok with the traditional scenario of the wife remaining at home with the children, some men have resented this.
6. What do you expect from each other ? in sickness and in health? Ask each other what you expect from them; in return let your partner know what you will personally bring into the relationship and what you will continue to bring to the relationship.
7. What will you forgive/not forgive of each other's behaviours, for example, infidelity or lying?
8. Do you have a hobby you could both share? List all the really wonderful things you could do together.
9. Will there be occasions when you want to do things alone? For example, boys/girls night outs, fishing trip with the boys/girls etc. Is this acceptable to you?
10. Is there anything that annoys you about your partner already? Are you willing to accept annoyances?
Secretly thinking that your partner will come around to your way of thinking sooner or later could possibly be setting yourself up for disappointment. There's also the risk of blame and anger if you're unable to change something you assumed you could.
Accept that nothing in life is perfect ? life could be said to be is perfectly imperfect.
Michaela is a Transformational Coach, certified practitioner of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), writer and Metaphysician who is totally committed to helping others create positive and action oriented changes to their lives.
Michaela is the author of the e-Book 10 Colour Meditation Scripts (http://www.michaelascherr.com/publications.htm ), and publisher of a monthly newsletter called From My Desk.
Married to David, Michaela has two children, Kristen and Aaron, and a grandchild called Matthew. Michaela and her family currently live in Brisbane Australia.