Great Relationships: How to Create a Nag-Free Zone

Q: My wife and I have a good marriage that is being destroyed by nagging. I've tried to get her to stop and even begged her to stop. She won't stop, and it just makes me less willing to do the things she is nagging about. How can I get her to stop nagging?

A: I think I can help you to create a "nag-free zone" in your home. I will tell you in advance, however, that you may not like what I suggest. But you do sound desperate enough to try it, and it has worked well over the years.

I have rarely, if ever, seen a situation in which one member of a couple was nagging without the other member of the couple being irresponsible in some way.

They just seem to go together.

The situation is made worse when you try to tell her to stop. This is because it's rather like throwing gas on a fire and wondering why the fire did not go out since the gas was wet.

Nagging hurts both people

Whether it's a spouse or a parent, I've yet to meet the person who stays up late at night wondering "How many ways can I nag tomorrow? Let's make a list." It just doesn't happen. Believe it or not, nagging is no fun. Not for the "nagee," and not for the "nagger," either.

So, if you are still reading and listening, here's what to do.

First, you have to think in terms of breaking this cycle. As you so correctly identified, the more she nags, the less you do, and so she nags more, and you resist more. This creates a situation where a breakup is just matter of time.

Second, you need to keep at the very front of your mind the notion that nagging comes from fear. This has been verified by every nagger I have ever known. The fear is usually something like fear of not getting important things done, fear of not being taken care of, fear of not being cared for and loved.

So the next time you are feeling nagged, ask your self "What have I not taken care of?" Answer honestly, then step up and make a plan for fixing it.

Next, and this is the most powerful thing you can do, ask your spouse,

"What is scaring you right now?"

Be sure to ask it kindly and gently and not with an irritated or accusatory tone. Then listen. Take care of the fears. Then keep behaving in ways that continue to take care of the fears.

I hope you have the courage to try this at home. If you think about it, not only is this a strategy for creating a "nag-free zone," it's also a strategy for drawing the two of you closer.

For more tips and tools for creating and living a great relationship, visit leading relationship coach Jeff Herring's SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

In The News:

How to make men feel wanted in relationships  cosmopolitan.comBeing in a healthy relationship can be so great. You know each other's love languages, you know how to spot the signs of toxic relationship behaviours and you ...
Opinion | Don’t matrimonialize live-in relationships  LivemintShould live-in relationships be regulated by the state? And, if so, to what extent? The Rajasthan State Human Rights Commission believes it's time for ...
How Confident Are You that Your Relationship Will Last?  Psychology TodayBelieving your relationship is strong may be the key to achieving this positive outcome. New research on relationship confidence shows 5 ways to find whether ...
What Do Healthy Relationships Look Like?  Psychology TodayOne estimate is that only 10% of marriages in the US are highly healthy and happy. What can we learn from them?
From your work BFF to your boss: How to navigate relationships in the office  CNNRelationships in the office can get sticky, and how you handle them can affect your career.
Situationships: The Kinda-Relationship That No One Wants To Be In  Refinery29Have you ever dated someone or had a friend with benefits who you spent so much time with that it felt like you were in an official relationship, even though ...
We follow the same old patterns in new romantic relationships  Medical News TodayResearchers warn that even when we start a new romantic relationship, we have a tendency to return to the same patterns that we established in previous ...
Married Couples: Studies Have Found These 5 Habits May Instantly Improve Your Relationships  Inc.Whether you're about to tie the knot or been in the game for a while, these five strategies are sure to bring you closer.
5 signs that your relationship is moving too fast  Times NowDon't want to change your status from 'Single' to 'In a Relationship' despite dating someone? Here are 5 signs to know that your relationship is moving too fast.
Chris Rock Is Writing a Book on Race and Relationships  The New York TimesChris Rock, the Emmy-winning comedian and two-time Oscars host, has been talking about race and relationships since he began doing standup in the 1980s.
Apps for couples: How relationship apps like Lasting work  Vox.comWhen Verge editor (and Vox Media coworker) Chris Welch tweeted a screenshot of a relationship app that reminded users to “send a text message that makes ...
The Secrets of Great Relationships  Psychology TodayOver the years we've heard from a lot of disenchanted people who have felt very pessimistic about their chances of creating a fulfilling long-term partnership.
How Much Is Too Much Work in a Relationship?  Psychology TodayWe always hear that relationships require work. But how do we know when a relationship is just too much work? When is it time to call it quits? Of course, there is ...
Technology drives better outcomes when it builds better relationships  Which-50Increasingly sophisticated technology combined with changes in the way business works are transforming the role and expectations on B2B sales people. But.
Despite popular belief, study finds little evidence of emotional interdependence in romantic relationships  PsyPostThough people often feel they are emotionally attuned to their romantic partner, new research has found little evidence that couples regularly experience ...
Bachelor in Paradise: Katie Morton and Chris Bukowski Admit Relationship Has Been 'Rocky'  PEOPLE.comParadise has certainly ended for Katie Morton and Chris Bukowski. The couple left the beach engaged on Tuesday's Bachelor in Paradise season 6 finale, but ...
Mohanlal: Kaappaan has an important message on relationships  Times of IndiaThe multi-starrer, multi-lingual, big budget Kaappaan had a launch function at a hotel in Kochi, and the event which was attended by the cast and crew of the film ...
Relationship Satisfaction Depends on Self-Disclosure  Psychology TodayPartners who practice this behavior report greater relationship satisfaction. People should select mates accordingly.
Women in live-in relationships are like concubines: Rajasthan human rights body  India TodayThe Rajasthan Human Rights Commission (HRC) on Wednesday issued an order to "prohibit" the practice of live-in relationships. The bench which issued the ...
The 4 Things That Will Hurt Your Relationship the Most  Psychology TodaySo damaging are these behaviors in a relationship that they've earned an ominous nickname: The Four Horsemen.
From sex to money: the eight deep discussions that can save a dying relationship  The GuardianJohn and Julie Gottman have devised dates for ailing couples – but how many are ready for this level of openness and sincerity?
'Monster' pedophile abused girl so badly she is now unable form relationships with men  Metro.co.ukA pedophile abused his girlfriend's daughter so badly she is unable to form normal relationships with men more than a decade later, a judge said. Judge Billy ...
7 relationship tips for a Virgo to find love and make it last  Times NowVirgos are sharp-minded individuals, who draw people to them, thanks to their friendly nature. The same goes in relationships as well. Here is some advice for a ...
'Yaaram': Prateik Babbar starrer is based on inter-religious relationships  Times of IndiaBollywood actor Prateik Babbar is all gearing up for his upcoming film 'Yaaram' directed by Ovais Khan. The film which is said to be a romantic-comedy also ...
Outlander: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (And 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantWe've ranked the 5 best and worst relationships on Outlander so that we can praise and hate some of the show's love teams.
Seinfeld: 10 Quotes About Relationships We Can All Relate To  Screen RantThe characters on the classic '90s sitcom Seinfeld have a lot to say about life, especially dating. These relationship quotes are all relatable.
The Complete Relationship Timeline of Nick Jonas and Priyanka Chopra  ELLE.comFrom their humble beginnings as a summer romance of 2018 to their elaborate wedding celebrations, Priyanka Chopra and Nick Jonas have become a major ...
Money & Relationships: Pros and cons of taking joint home loan with your spouse  Economic TimesHave you and your spouse decided to buy a house with the help of a joint home loan? Exciting as the prospect of purchasing a house seems to a married couple ...
Wells Adams Shares Secret To Keeping Long Term Relationships Spicy In Hilarious Interview  Hollywood LifeWells Adam giggled his way through an interview about dating, reluctantly revealing his tip for keeping long-term relationships 'spicy.'
U of M to ban student-staff relationships  Winnipeg Free PressBanning intimate relationships between students and staff, removing time limits for victims to repor...
Teen Wolf: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (And 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantTeen Wolf's characters formed many bonds, some more successful than others. Here are the relationships fans were behind and those they rejected.
Relationships topic of second Pastors and Leaders Luncheon  Newnan Times-HeraldThe second Pastors and Leaders Luncheon focused on the importance of building relationships now, instead of when something big happens in the community.
8 Ways To Have Better Relationships With Your Clients  ForbesIf you're providing a *service* of any sort, you will have clients. Your client relationships; the presence, happiness and retention of them; are the foundation of your ...
4 Zodiac Signs That Hold Grudges In Relationships, Because Letting Go Can Be Hard  Elite DailyLetting go is never easy. Whether you're Marie Kondo-ing your sock drawer or trying to get over a fight with your partner, moving on can be totally daunting.
How to Propose an Open Relationship  The New York Times“Don't bring it up during an argument,” says Terri D. Conley, a professor of psychology at the University of Michigan who studies sexuality. If you're in a ...
The best relationship advice you will ever hear  The Big Smoke AustraliaHard to give, harder to apply. The concept of meaningful relationship advice is the toughest beast to lasso, but I believe I have it tamed.
Best Things About Being a Relationship - I Hate Being Single  CosmopolitanI've never been single and I don't regret it. Here's why I prefer relationships.
Donald Trump and Saudi money, explained  Vox.comSaudi Arabia announced this weekend that attacks on two of its state-owned oil facilities — launched either by Iranian-backed Houthi forces in Yemen or by Iran ...
Stranger Things: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantRelationships in Stranger Things are a bit of a mixed bag - here are five relationships we got behind, and five we weren't having at all.
What is a karmic relationship and how do you know if you're in one?  Metro.co.ukYou're both madly in love, but still can't seem to make it work - but why? We explain what the signs are of a karmic relationship.
Tayshia Adams and John Paul Jones Just Revealed Their Relationship Status  GlamourWhat is Tayshia Adams and John Paul Jones's relationship status post-'Bachelor in Paradise'? They just spilled the tea to us.
Dylan’s Post-‘Paradise’ Relationship With Hannah Seems Solid, Based On This Instagram Clue  BustleBachelor in Paradise contestants Hannah Godwin and Dylan Barbour won't be bested by love triangles or trolls. When a commenter posted an insult on ...
Yu-Gi-Oh!: 10 Relationships That Changed The Series Forever | CBR  CBR - Comic Book ResourcesCharacter relationships are at the forefront of the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime, and here are the 10 most important pairings in the series.
19 Stages of a Relationship - Every Stage of a Relationship  Cosmopolitan PhilippinesThe steps every couple goes through in a romantic relationship.
Why you should treat all of your relationships like fruit salads instead of smoothies  Well+GoodHealthy relationships have been described many ways throughout the course of human history, but a new analogy comes straight out of Hot Girl Summer.
SoftBank relationship was not a reason for WeWork IPO delay, sources say  CNBCTension between the real estate start-up WeWork and SoftBank was not a central issue in the decision to delay an initial public offering, sources tell CNBC's ...
Nick Kyrgios hints at relationship with rising Russian tennis star  New York Post Nick Kyrgios, who was most recently linked to the sister of fellow tennis star Eugenie Bouchard, appears to have set his sights on rising Russian pro Anna ...
Michael Douglas: Courtesy is important in relationships  EWNThe 'Basic Instinct' star believes his longstanding relationship with Catherine Zeta-Jones is down to not taking his spouse for granted and insists it is important to ...
Changing partners doesn't change relationship dynamics  Science DailyNew romances eventually follow patterns similar to old ones, according to a new study.
Power Is Both Good and Bad for Our Sexual Relationships  Psychology TodayPower is strongly associated with sex and can have both beneficial and detrimental effects on our relationships.
Love and Craftsmanship in the Relationship Between Machines and Humanity  HyperallergicA conversation with the artist Elias Sime, whose work interrogating our bond with electronic media is now on view at the Wellin Museum.
Wedding photographers reveal how they can tell if a relationship will last — and whether it won't  INSIDERWedding photographers pay special attention to the way couples interact to document their most authentic moments. Here's their relationship advice.
Sarah Hyland Reveals She and Fiancé Wells Adams ‘Weren’t Physical’ at Start of Relationship  PEOPLE.comWe actually became an official couple before we were even that physical,” Sarah Hyland tells PEOPLE.
How Couples Or Marriage Counseling Can Help Strengthen Your Relationship | Susan Saint-Welch  YourTangoEvery relationship or marriage will have its ups and downs, but even if you have a healthy relationship, here are 10 reasons why couples' counseling may be a ...
How Anger Affects Intimate Relationships  Psychology TodayAngry exchanges are bound to happen between intimate partners. Ranging from mild to explosive, they often likely to create cumulative damage over time.
U of M addresses sexual violence, bans student-teacher relationships  CTV NewsThe University of Manitoba is addressing sexual violence on campus and in the community, and released a report with 43 recommendations.
Do you handle the money in your relationship? Here's how to make sure your partner can take over.  NBC NewsThis is the second of a two—part series that explores how to navigate a couple's finances when one person handles everything. Up first: how to handle the ...
Manufacturers don't control consumer relationships, platforms like Google do, says Sorrell  CNBCManufacturers don't have the direct relationships with shoppers they thought they would with the advent of the internet — it's platforms like Facebook that are in ...
5 Myers-Briggs Personality Types Who Have The Happiest Relationships  Elite DailyYour Myers-Briggs personality type presents a goldmine of information about your love life, like who you're most compatible with, whether you value commitment ...
10 comments Indian women in relationships are tired of hearing  FeminaIf you are in a relationship, chances are you'd often have to parry or ward off a barrage of unsolicited advice, opinions and comments. Here are the most insane ...
Why you should avoid the 'texting trap' when dating  INSIDERShe said it's important to go from texting, to a phonecall, to the date really fast because "that's where the magic happens."
Relationship stages every couple goes through  FeminaJust as there are diverse stages in one's life and career, relationships too go through several stages of metamorphosis. Needless to say, the success or failure of ...
Are you stuck in an unequal relationship?  FeminaWe help you navigate your way through a codependent relationship.
Once Upon A Time: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantAt its very core, Once Upon a Time was a show about love, family, and relationships. Every lesson revolves around learning the meaning of true love. True love ...
Exclusive: Relationship of US-India based on shared values, objective, says Nisha Desai  India TodayIn an exclusive interview to India Today TV, US India Business Council (USBC) president Nisha Desai Biswal said what makes the relationship of US and India ...
8 Zodiac Sign Pairings That Rarely Fight In Relationships Because They're So Well-Balanced  Elite DailyHow often do you fight with your partner? Does it seem like you butt heads frequently, or is it mostly smooth sailing? If it's the latter, chances are you and your SO ...
Charlize Theron Teases That She's in a 'New Relationship' &, Spoiler Alert, It's a Throuple  Yahoo EntertainmentWhen two A-list celebrities become a couple, it makes for a lot of star power. Turn that couple into a throuple, and it's almost too much to handle. Case in point?
Behold: A Complete Recap of Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes's Steamy Relationship  POPSUGARA complete look at how Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello went from friends to relationship goals in just a couple years.
How Do Relationships Change After Marriage? 14 Married People Got Super Honest About Their Experiences  Elite DailyWhen you're in the thick of it, it can be hard to imagine that your relationship would ever change in any way. But formally agreeing in the eyes of the law (and ...
Cara Delevingne opens up on her relationship with Ashley Benson  Metro.co.ukAs if they weren't giving us enough 'couple goals' envy already, Cara Delevingne has spoken out about how her relationship with Ashley Benson makes her a ...
How To Tell It’s Time To End Your Long-Distance Relationship  Refinery29Not every long-distance relationship is made to last. Here's how to recognize the signs that it's time to end your LDR.
Carolyn Hax: Impulsive friend puts a relationship at risk  The Washington PostDear Carolyn: My friend "Kathy" is like a sister to me and would do anything for me. Her only problem is that she is really impulsive and has a bad temper.
The Truth About Puppy Love In Relationships, According To An Expert By Griffin Wynne  Elite DailyWhen I hear the phrase "puppy love," I immediately think about The Beach Boys' album Pet Sounds. Although puppy love isn't actually about surf-rock, I believe ...
Teen Wolf: 5 Reasons Lydia And Stiles Were Relationship Goals (& 5 Reasons They’re Not)  Screen RantLydia and Stiles might seem like relationship goals for Teen Wolf fans, but they've gone through some less-than-stellar moments as a couple too.
7 Reasons You Get Bored Easily In Relationships, According To Experts  BustleFeeling bored at some point in your relationship is normal. Once the honeymoon period ends, you'll enter into the comfortable stage. While it may not be as ...
Disney Princess Pairings: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantDisney Princess movies might be known for their fairytale romances, but not every romance deserves its happily ever after.
Cara Delevingne Just Revealed How Her Relationship With Ashley Benson Helped Her Get Over Her Fears  Seventeen.comCara Delevingne and Ashley Benson have been going strong for over a year, and since they became public recently, they've been packing on the PDA all over ...
Modern Family: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantBefore sitcom Modern Family comes to an end, let's take a look at the couples on the show who fans love... and the pairings that don't make any sense.
Is Ryan Seacrest Back With His Girlfriend? Details on His Relationship  DistractifyRyan Seacrest has been on and off with Shayna Taylor, but are they rekindling the fire? Get the details on if he is back with his girlfriend now.
This Update About Caelynn & Dean's Relationship After 'Bachelor In Paradise' Is So Cute  Elite DailySeason 6 of Bachelor in Paradise took a wild turn for Caelynn Miller-Keyes. She started out the season with her heart already broken by Blake Horstmann, and it ...
Toxic relationship signs to look out for  cosmopolitan.comNot sure if you're in a toxic relationship? Here's the behaviour and signs you should be looking out for.
Frasier: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantFrom Frasier and Lilith to Niles and Mel, here are some relationships from Frasier that fans have supported (and some they definitely didn't).
Do you think your partner is falling out of love with you? THIS is how you can tell  PINKVILLAWhen things change drastically in your relationship, it can seem like everything is going wrong but how can you know for sure if your partner just wants space or ...
Brody Jenner's Mom Says His Relationship with Josie Canseco Looks to Be a 'Longterm' Romance  PEOPLE.comLinda Thompson has already given her seal of approval to son Brody Jenner's new girlfriend Josie Canseco.
5 tips to have a healthy relationship with an extrovert if you are an introvert  Times NowAre you an introvert who enjoys sitting in the corner of a room with a book while your partner is the exact opposite? Here's how you can have a healthy ...
4 Myers-Briggs Personality Types That Won't Ever Rush Into Relationships  Elite DailyWhen beginning a new relationship, most people fit into one of two categories: those who look before they leap, and those who leap before they look. There's ...
Social media is hurting your relationships  The ColoradoanYou need look no further than the people ignoring each other at the restaurant table next to you to see how drastically smartphones and social media have ...
This is what single people can teach us all about relationships  Metro.co.ukElyakim Kislev, author of Happy Singlehood, discusses how single people are flourishing and overcoming loneliness.
3 Zodiac Signs Who Fall Into Relationship Ruts Most Easily  Elite DailyThough rom-coms may show the steamiest 90 minutes of a couple's life, if you were to capture an entire romantic relationship on film, you'd be bound to watch ...
Sugar Baby-Daddy Relationships Commodify Sex, Intimacy In San Antonio  Texas Public RadioWEDNESDAY at noon on "The Source" — Sugar relationships are promoted as mutually beneficial, agreed-upon arrangements -- a trade of time for money.
4 Zodiac Signs Who Will Let You Down In Relationships, So Watch Out By Corinne Sullivan  Elite DailyI hate to be the one to tell you this, but at one point or another, you're probably going to be let down by someone you care about. It might be a friend, it might be a ...
The Walking Dead: 5 Relationships Fans Were Behind (& 5 They Rejected)  Screen RantSome of The Walking Dead's relationships were better received by fans than others.
Stacey Solomon relieved Joe Swash has returned home after week away - details  HELLO!Loose Women panellist Stacey Solomon has given a sweet relationship update with her boyfriend Joe Swash. The couple welcomed little Rex in May...
Inside The Cars’ Frontman Ric Ocasek and Paulina Porizkova’s Decades-Long Relationship  PEOPLE.comIt was "love before first sight" for the Czech-born supermodel when it came to Ric Ocasek.
SS&C Welcomes New Head of Relationship Management for DST Financial Services  Yahoo FinanceSS&C adds Craig Schachter to focus on growth and strategic client relationships. WINDSOR, Conn., Sept. 18, 2019 /PRNewswire/ -- SS&C Technologies ...
Marriage Advice: 10 Relationship Skills All Husbands and Wives Need to Master  FatherlyA happy marriage requires work. Learning these skills — and knowing when to use them — are crucial to sustaining a partnership through the years.
Jeanie Mai Opens Up About Her Relationship with Jeezy for the First Time: 'I Found My Equal'  msnNOWJeannie Mai is opening up about her relationship with boyfriend Jeezy for the first time since confirming their romance. Young Jeezy, Jeannie Mai are posing for ...
8 reasons why you might be in a toxic relationship  Hindustan TimesNo relationship is perfect, in fact it is the imperfections that make a relationship perfect. A good relationship which makes you feel comfortable, secure, cared and ...
Human relationships are the all-purpose tool for sustainable development  World Economic ForumHuman beings are a uniquely amazing species. From the construction of great cathedrals to the modern scientific enterprise, our greatest accomplishments ...
Griezmann says Messi and Suarez relationships need time to develop after Barca draw blank at Dortmund  Yahoo SportsAntoine Griezmann insisted it will take time for him to gel with Lionel Messi and Luis Suarez after Barcelona escaped with a point against Borussia Dortmund in ...

Stop, Look, & Listen: The 3-Step Approach to Understanding Your Partner

IntroductionDo you feel misunderstood by your partner? Seem to keep... Read More

Conflicts Dont Have to Mean a Fight to the Death

Although conflict in marriage is inevitable, fighting is optional.The secret... Read More

Won Ton or Kreplach? How We Raise Children in Our Chinese-Jewish Family

I always knew my Oriental wife was Jewish; after all,... Read More

The Unfairly Judged Professor

An All Too Familiar TaleShe takes her teaching responsibilities seriously;... Read More

Pay Attention! Mastering Communication Skills with Women

One of the biggest complaints women have about men is... Read More

Name That Tune

Direct Answers - Column for the week of July 26,... Read More

How To Slay The Toxic Dragon In Your Life

How To "Slay The Dragon" In Your Life In Five... Read More

Dumped? Get Set for a New Life

Welcome to Dumpsville. Population - you!You've been dumped for a... Read More

Honesty Accepted - Deception Denied

We've all done it at one time or another, or... Read More

How do We Change our Self Esteem Perception?

Many of us have heard about the power of positive... Read More

Tune Up Your Relationship

Why do some relationships last forever and others fall apart?... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 More Dumb MIstakes and 4 Smarter Moves to Make

1) Treat the family you have come from as more... Read More

Want To Strengthen Your Relationship

Open your mouth. What do I mean? Talk ? say... Read More

Finding a Life Partner

Dear Candace,I'm 35 years old and ready to open my... Read More

Secrets of the Opposite Sex

Secrets of the Opposite SexMany jokes, problems, and conversations revolve... Read More

46 Clues Your Partner is Having an Affair

Some of these signs of a cheating spouse are "tongue... Read More

Affairs: Advice for the Couple

Recovering from an affair is hard work and will take... Read More

How To Develop A Grateful Mind

There is one sure fire medicine that cures all difficulty... Read More

Relationship Advice: 10 Ways to Prevent a Break Up

The question I am asked most often is: I think... Read More

You Dont Have to Break Down, When You Break Up!

Very few people would argue with the fact that creating... Read More

How To Save Your Marriage

Getting married (or beginning an intimate relationship) is, in a... Read More

The Lies That Saved a Judges Life

What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but... Read More

Stop Making Relationship Mistakes! Avoid Another Unhappy Relationship!

It is possible for women to steer clear of an... Read More

Engaged, In Love, and In Limbo

Well, here I am very much in love and starting... Read More

Extended Family Relationships: Staying Friends with Former Lovers and Spouses

Excerpt From The Relationship Handbook: How to Understand and Improve... Read More