Great Relationships: Checkbook Battles and How to Solve Them

"You can't hold on to a dime. Do you own the mall yet?!"

"It takes a crowbar to open your wallet. You can't take it with you, you know!!"

If these words or ones like them sound all too familiar, you might be experiencing "checkbook battles" in your relationship.

Checkbook battles are simply fights about money. In marriage, the Big Six areas of potential conflict are communication, sex, children, in-laws, religion and, you guessed it, money. For many couples, money can become a vicious battleground.

In my work helping couples deal with this issue, I've found that people are often uncomfortable talking about money. Almost any other issue, including sex, seems to be discussed more easily. Many couples have never discussed it all, except to argue about it. It's not surprising that research shows many divorces can be traced back to conflicts over money.

So why all the conflict over money? Maybe it's because people tend to regard money in very different ways.

A useful definition of money is simply that it is "green energy." The way that we handle this green energy is our "money style." Our money style is determined by at least two factors: the emotional meaning that we give to money and the way money was handled in the family in which we grew up.

Consider what the emotional meaning of money is for you. Does it represent security, power, pleasure, control, independence? Or perhaps something else? How is your perspective akin to and different from your partner's?

Secondly, how was money handled in your family when you were a child? Were your parents savers or big spenders? If your partner's background is significantly different from yours, there is the potential for checkbook battles.

Consider, for example, one couple that came in for counseling. See if you can pick up the differences in Bob and Mary's money styles.

When Bob was growing up, money was simply a means to an end, and the end was fun and pleasure. If you wanted something, you bought it. The phrase "can't afford it" had little or no meaning.

Mary grew up quite differently. In her family, money was related to security and self-esteem. Every potential purchase had to be thoroughly researched. Resources, including Consumer Reports, had to be consulted.

After much deliberation, a decision was made, and if the money was spent, the purchaser then felt guilty about it.

Can you pick out the different emotional meanings of money for these two people? Do you think there might be some potential for conflict?

If you and your partner have different money styles, don't be alarmed. Most folks do.

There are many things that can be done to help blend the differing styles.

Here is a list of do's and don'ts that not only helped Bob and Mary avoid checkbook battles, it strengthened their relationship as well.

- Don't assume that your way is the only right way.

- Don't accuse your partner of being wrong or sinful.

- Don't try to force your partner to see the issue your way.

- Don't handle the issue in secret, behind your partner's back.

- Do identify your own money style.

- Do identify your partner's money style.

- Do learn some flexibility.

- Do explore your goals for life together. Remember you're partners, not competitors.

- Do try switching roles. Let the bill-payer do the shopping and the shopper do the bill paying.

- Do discover what you might need to learn from your partner's style.

One way to combine the two styles is to create a reasonable working budget.

There are two keys to making a budget work: You must have an agreed-upon amount of money that cannot be spent unless it is first discussed; Each person gets a small amount of money that can be used however he or she wishes, no questions asked.

If you continue to remain stuck on this issue, it might be useful to consult a financial planner, a marriage counselor, or both.

Remember that the goal is to blend your styles so this green energy called money works for you and draws you closer together.

Come to think of it, blending styles and growing closer seem like good goals no matter what the issue.

For more tips and tools on resolving conflicts and creating a great relationship, visit relationship coach Jeff Herring's website SecretsofGreatRelationships.com

In The News:

How fear of regret barricades us into unhealthy jobs and relationships  Popular ScienceHow many times have you thought about starting a company, taking a year out to write that novel or leaving a loveless relationship but ended up doing nothing ...
Miley Cyrus: Gender is 'irrelevant' in modern relationships  BBC NewsMiley Cyrus, who identifies as pansexual, says gender is almost "irrelevant" in modern relationships, like hers with husband Liam Hemsworth. She says the ...
Lisa Vanderpump from 'RHOBH' Shows What How Unresolved Grief Can Damage Relationships  The Cheat SheetGrief is complicated and unpredictable. Some people grieve the loss of a loved one openly and freely. Others shut down and try to push away overwhelming ...
Enneagram retreat explores relationships, personality styles | Local  La Crosse TribuneUnderstanding our strengths, motivations and blind spots can lead to better relationships at home and work, as well as more compassion for others who view the ...
Commentary: How do you know if it's time to get married?  Channel NewsAsiaNobody wants to settle, says psychology professor at Monmouth University Gary W Lewandowski Jr.
Can Borderline Personality be Treated Through Relationships?  Psychology TodayTherapy for people with borderline personality disorder tends to focus on working with the individual. New research suggests there can be benefits of help from ...
Finding faith through relationships  The RecordChelsea Foster. Contributing Writer. [email protected] I didn't come from a very strong faith background. Even though I went to church occasionally, I never ...
Relationships, off the field!  FeminaHere's looking at our favourite sports personalities and their relationships with their SOs. These love stories are not all known, and we look at just who are the life ...
My Anxiety Is Taking A Toll On My Life And Relationships  Scary MommyAs much as I try to push it down and let logic win, the anxiety and panic set in eventually.
How sibling birth order can lead to toxic adult relationships  Telegraph.co.ukIt was at her birthday dinner with her parents and brother that Marianne Elliott first realised how much she had been kept in the dark about an unfolding family ...
Couples who use THIS one word have happier relationships, says a study  Times of IndiaAccording to a study, couples who use THIS one word while talking tend to share a blissful bond!
Review: Characters' relationships drive the action in KCT's 'Proof'  Kearney HubKEARNEY — To better understand playwright David Alburn's drama, “Proof,” substitute the word “Certainty” for the title.
Dr. Keith Ablow Accused Of Pressuring Patients Into Sexual Relationships  CBS BostonNEWBURYPORT (AP) — Two more patients of Dr. Keith Ablow have filed lawsuits against the renowned Massachusetts psychiatrist alleging he pressured them ...
Valuable LinkedIn Features To Nurture Your Relationships  ForbesThese valuable LinkedIn features make it easy for you to nurture your network.
Money & relationships: What you should do if your husband doesn't share financial details  Economic TimesIn the second part of the new series, ET Wealth talks about a wifes rights and the steps she can take if the spouse is reluctant to dispense money or information.
Teens' same-gender friendships key to later satisfaction in romantic relationships  Science DailyA new longitudinal study sought to identify the factors in adolescence that best predicted who would and would not have a satisfying romantic life in their late 20s ...
3 Zodiac Pairings Most Likely To Have Emotionally Immature Relationships  RomperThere are plenty of opinions about which Zodiac signs are the most compatible, but it's fun to turn this idea on its head. Learning about the Zodiac pairings most ...
A fear of regret can lock us into bad relationships, jobs and habits – here's how to break free  Irish ExaminerHow many times have you thought about starting a company, taking a year out to write that novel or leaving a loveless relationship but ended up doing nothing ...
The Sign of a Lasting Relationship  Psychology TodayAfter a decade of analyzing data from the Love Lab, we discovered that one set of variables determined whether a marriage would succeed or fail: Were the ...
Ten Warning Signs Your Relationship Has Ended  Psychology TodayNot every relationship will withstand the test of time. Some relationships are just stepping stones on the path to bettering yourself as an individual or finding your ...
The Founder of Malaysia's First Sugar Dating Platform Wants People to Build Honest and Transparent Relationships  Entrepreneur“Love is not enough. Relationships need more than love,” says Darren Chan, the 31-year-old founder and chief executive of Malaysia's first and only sugar ...
How do I stop overthinking about my relationship?  Times of IndiaQuery: Hi, I am 28-year-old banker and have been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend since past eight months. I have this problem of overthinking about ...
The interplay between relationships, stress, and sleep  Science DailyA new study documents how the quality of a person's romantic relationship and the life stress he or she experiences at two key points in early adulthood (at age ...
How BioWare is handling relationships in Anthem  GamesRadarBioWare's Mark Darrah details the studio's decision to keep character interactions safe for work in Anthem. Comments. Shares. null. BioWare's Anthem game ...
Researchers find how to add more "love hormone" to your relationships  Big ThinkWith Valentine's Day upon us, are you looking for a way to bring more love into your relationship? Take an art class or pick up a new board game to play ...
The No. 1 Trap That Keeps People In Relationships With Psychopaths  mindbodygreen.comWe often talk about gratitude like it's the miracle cure. Don't get me wrong: While I have a lot in my life to be grateful for, gratitude—like mindfulness, eating clean, ...
Taiwan's president discusses relationship with US  CNNTaiwan's president, Tsai Ing-Wen, sits down for an exclusive interview with CNN's Matt Rivers to discuss Taiwan's changing relationship with the United States.
The 8 Most Common Signs of a Rebound Relationship  Men's HealthWe talked with sex therapist Vanessa Marin and Sadie Allison, PhD, a sexologist and relationship expert, to explain eight signs that your partner is rebounding ...
Hauser: Are your relationships becoming 'relationslips'?  INFORUMOne of my ongoing goals is to build new relationships and grow current relationships healthier. The longer I live, the more I realize the quality of our relationships ...
San Marcos teacher accused of having sexual relationship with student  KXAN.comA warrant is out for the arrest of a San Marcos High School teacher accused of having a sexual relationship with a student, according to San Marcos police.
7 Signs Your Relationship Isn't Over, It's Just Going Through Growing Pains  BustleAs we all know, the blissful honeymoon phase of a relationship won't last forever. At some point, it should transition into something deeper and more meaningful.
Sofia Richie is 'happy' keeping relationship 'private'  Herald-Mail MediaSofia Richie is "happy" keeping her relationship "private". The 20-year-old model - who is dating Scott Disick - doesn't feel the need to use her social media ...
Kailyn Lowry Slams Fan Who Shades Her for ‘Needing’ a Relationship: ‘I Don’t Think ...  inTouch Weekly'Teen Mom 2' star Kailyn Lowry had no time for a hater on Instagram who seemingly judged her for 'needing' to be in a relationship. See her response here!
The 6 Best Books for a Healthy Relationship, According to Authors and Psychiatrists  New York MagazineListen: we're not suggesting you buy your significant other a book on how to achieve a healthier relationship for Valentine's Day. Chocolates or flowers will likely ...
6 Keys to a Good Artist-Gallerist Relationship  ArtsyFive artists share the lessons they've gleaned from dealers who championed their works and others who've done a lot less.
Topol hopes his review 'will repair patient and doctor relationships'  Digital HealthThe man behind the Topol Review has told Digital Health News the he hopes the document will rebuild relationships between patients and their doctors.
Devendra Fadnavis, wife Amruta's secret to a happy relationship: Husband must say the first sorry  Economic TimesMUMBAI: The rough-and-tumble of politics may have made Maharashtra Chief Minister Devendra Fadnavis appear a hard-nosed leader, but according to his ...
Tick tock: Commitment readiness predicts relationship success  Science DailyNew research shows how a person's readiness to commit predicts the success or failure of relationships.
Bipolar disorder and relationships: Everything you need to know  Medical News TodayBipolar disorder causes alterations in mood, leading to depressive and manic or hypomanic episodes. These changes in mood can sometimes put stress on a ...
If You're Bored By Your Relationship, You'll Notice These 8 Things About Yourself  Elite DailyRelationships ebb and flow — that's simply a fact of being in a partnership with another person. You'll have your golden honeymoon phase and it will fizzle out.
Kendall Jenner Reveals Why She’s Private About Love Life & Why She Ends Most Relationships So Quickly  Hollywood LifeKendall Jenner has kept her dating life private throughout her public career – she spoke in a new interview about why she has chosen to do so! Find out why ...
Advice for healthy teen relationship  WDBJ7As teens begin to prepare for prom and formal dance this spring, health providers are trying to equipped parents with warning signs. Experts recommend talking ...
Trump’s disruptive protectionism could be the opportunity to reinvent trade relationships  MarketWatchWhat initially was viewed as an unfortunate U.S. shift to protectionism may in fact have opened a window to improve the functioning of the global economy and ...
10 science-backed relationship deal breakers  Times of IndiaAccording to experts, deal breakers are more important than deal makers in shaping the course of a relationship.
Here's how Khloe Kardashian will handle Tristan Thompson's relationship with True following the cheating scandal  Cosmopolitan.comKhloe Kardashian is currently dealing with probably one of the most difficult weeks of her life following the Tristan Thompson and Jordyn Woods cheating ...
7 Disagreements That Are OK 6 Months Into A Relationship, But Not A Year In  BustleRelationships look a lot different as they progress. Despite this, you may still feel that having serious arguments only six months in could be a relationship kiss of ...
Long-distance relationships actually make couples come closer: Study  Times of IndiaLong-distance relationships are generally termed 'challenging' and many couples feel such relationships are doomed to fail because of the lack of physical ...
Here's How To Actually Let Go Of Relationship Baggage  mindbodygreen.comHow do you deal with emotional baggage when you find yourself in a new relationship? Here's what psychologists and therapists recommend.
Relationship scams: For one Spokane man, the heart briefly overruled the brain  The Spokesman-ReviewJon Louis, 81, recently got hooked by an online relationship scam that nearly cost him $3000. The Spokane widower accepted a Facebook friend request from a ...
Flipping Out's Jeff Lewis hasn't been in relationship with ex Gage Edward for more than two years  Daily MailFlipping Out star Jeff Lewis said Friday that he and Gage Edward have been split for more than two years, about a month after the duo officially announced they ...
4 Ways To Redesign Your Home For A Happier Relationship  mindbodygreen.comIs a man cave good or bad? For cohabiting couples, research shows having a room to yourself can actually help your relationship.
Common Relationship Deal Breakers and Red Flags  Cosmopolitan.comEveryone has some ultra-specific deal breaker that they refuse to ignore (pizza is NOT spicy, thank you very much). Take our polls to find out if you abide by the ...
Khloe Kardashian: Why Jordyn Woods epitomises every woman’s relationship fear  NEWS.com.auIf you have an internet connection, odds are you've probably heard something about the Kardashians, a basketballer called Tristan Thompson, and a girl called ...
A.B. details relationship with Steelers in AMA  NFL.comAntonio Brown watch-slash-stakeout is in full effect, and the Pittsburgh Steelers wide receiver continues to contribute to the offseason drama of his making.
Are Cory Wharton and Taylor Selfridge Dating? New Details About Their Relationship — How Cheyenne Floyd Feels About It  YourTangoCory Wharton and Taylor Selfridge are on a "baecation" in Mexico — meanwhile, Cheyenne Floyd is in the states with Ryder K Wharton, their daughter.
"This relationship is in tatters": How Texas' voter citizenship review frayed its relationship with local officials  The Texas TribuneA breakdown in communication has emerged between the state's top election officials and county election offices since the citizenship review effort launched ...
Why many women settle in their romantic relationships  Toronto StarA survey by online dating app Bumble of 1003 Canadian women between 21 and 37 years old, found 23 per cent of them settle rather than continue their search ...
Here's What An Expert Says Good Sex In A Long-Term Relationship Looks Like  BustleOne common feature of a long-term relationship is, well, the spark's eventual fizzle. This isn't the case in every relationship, but like every other aspect of having ...
Huawei or the highway? The bill comes due for New Zealand's relationship with China  The SpinoffThe period of benign relations between New Zealand and China appears to be drawing to a close, writes Massey University's David Belgrave. Until recently ...
The Unexpected Way Having A Second Child Changed My Relationship With My Firstborn  Scary MommyI didn't expect that having a second child would change relationship with firstborn. But what no one warns you about having your second child is the frustration ...
Annapolis mayor fires police chief citing poor relationships in high-crime communities  CapitalGazette.comAnnapolis Mayor Gavin Buckley fired police Chief Scott Baker, he said late Friday afternoon, citing waning confidence in the chief's ability to forge positive ties ...
Premiers call for end to tariffs, reboot on Canada-U.S. relationship  National PostWASHINGTON — Three of Canada's premiers brought an earnest, brass-tacks message to the U.S. national capital Friday: hit the reset button on one of the ...
Corrections deputy fired after relationship with inmate  Bellingham HeraldCorrections deputy Adam Miller was fired after he was accused of having an intimate relationship with a female inmate at the Whatcom County Jail. He faces two ...
Fifteen Years on Facebook: How Social Media is Changing Our Relationships  Iowa Public RadioFacebook turned 15 this month, and 214 million Americans continue to share thoughts, pictures, memes, articles, and propaganda with family, friends,
Paul Hollywood 'testing relationship' with Summer Monteys-Fullam with pet dog  Mirror OnlineThe Great British Bake Off judge is said to have bought a Rottweiler puppy to test whether or not they're ready for children.
Relative IDs relationship of hostages killed during standoff  WBRZA relative of one of five people fatally shot at a Mississippi home says she can't comprehend why the man identified as the gunman would turn on his family and ...
Kevin O'Leary: This should be your financial deal-breaker in a relationship  CNBCFor Kevin O'Leary, finance guru and star of ABC's "Shark Tank," there's one thing that should be a financial deal breaker when it comes to your relationship with ...
Illicit Relationship: Youth, married woman beaten up by villagers in Malkangiri  Kalinga TVThe accused youth identified as Pabitra Mandal of MPV-48 village was frequenting a married woman's house in MPV-47 for past few months. Later, he had ...
This 1 powerful phrase is the science-backed secret to a happy relationship (and most of us rarely use it)  CNBCWhen it comes to building successful relationships, going the extra mile to express your gratitude is important. Even now, in this very moment, we're grateful that ...
Sana Khan Confirms Relationship Rumours With Melvin Louis, Says 'Yes, We're In Love'  BollywoodShaadis.comBollywood starlet, Sana Khan, who rose to fame with her stint in reality show, Bigg Boss season 6, has found her happily ever after with famous dancer and.
The Symbiotic Relationship Between Hotels And On-Site Restaurants  ForbesIn competitive markets like New York City, standout dining concepts draw locals and out-of-town guests alike.
Former COCISD teacher and coach charged with improper relationship with student  KTRK-TVMeredith Null charged with improper relationship with student at Coldspring-Oakhurst High School.
Under Armour CEO questioned over MSNBC anchor relationship: report  Business InsiderUnder Armour CEO Kevin Plank turned to Stephanie Ruhle for business advice, a WSJ report says. At one point, the company's board asked him about it.
End money fights for healthier, longer-lasting relationships  Stuff.co.nzOPINION: Here's how to solve your relationship money conflicts.
4 Things You'll Notice About Yourself When You're Comfortable In Your Relationship  Elite DailyThere's a simple pleasure in the moment you realize that you're comfortable in your relationship. Not in a "we're too comfortable and we've lost the ~romance~" ...
Is Bradley Cooper Married? What We Know About His Relationship with Irina Shayk  The Cheat SheetBradley Cooper is probably best known for his part on the cult classic The Hangover. While he's come a long way since 2009, there's just something about the ...
Kate Middleton and Prince William hide THIS surprising thing about their relationship  International Business Times, IndiaThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have a very special relationship, but there is one key thing about it that the public does not see, according to relationship ...
Kannada serial actor, wife relationship hits a new low  Deccan HeraldKannada serial actor Rajesh Dhruva and his wife Shruthi's relationship has hit a new low.
I can’t get past my strained relationship with my mother  The GuardianIt's time to leave the past behind and forge a new bond, and the first step should be yours, says Mariella Frostrup.
Donald and Melania Trump: A Timeline of Their Relationship  BiographyIn September 1998, as part of New York City's Fashion Week festivities, 28-year-old model Melania Knauss attended a party at the Kit Kat Club in Times Square.
Trevor Bauer opens up about relationship comments: 'Why would I want to hurt someone? I don't want to play with anybody's emotions'  WKYC.comSpeaking to WKYC's Dave Chudowsky at Spring Training, Cleveland Indians pitcher Trevor Bauer elaborated on comments he made to Sports Illustrated ...
Barcelona Prioritise West Ham Target Maxi Gomez Due to Relationship With Luis Suarez  90minBarcelona are to prioritise a move for Celta Vigo star and former West Ham target Maxi Gomez in the summer due to his relationship with Uruguay teammate ...
Halsey & Yungblud On Their Relationship & '11 Minutes': Watch  BillboardHalsey and Yungblud paid a visit to the 97.1 AMP Radio show on Feb. 22 to talk about their latest collaboration “11 Minutes,” which also features Travis Barker, ...
"How going off grid rebooted my relationship"  cosmopolitan.com (UK)My husband and I have what I think is a pretty good marriage. We're best mates, we love each other dearly, and we have a shared passion for dark ...
Six signs your relationship isn't working this Valentine's Day  The StandardFebruary 14 is the most romantic time of the year - but is your relationship actually working?
Sharing Netflix, Spotify Accounts After Couples Break Up  NPRSharing of online streaming video and music passwords among sweethearts is a territorial marker, like wearing a boyfriend's sweater. But what happens to ...
Does Something Feel 'Off' About Your Mentor-Mentee Relationship?  EntrepreneurDon't ignore these 3 red flags that indicate your relationship is toxic.
Is "slow love" the key to a lasting relationship?  CBS NewsOn this Valentine's Day, new research shows a revolution is in the works when it comes to finding love that lasts. The concept is called "slow love." "Marriage ...
How to date a guy who wants an open relationship  FeminaYou have met an interesting guy on an online dating platform. You have met him and you can feel the instant connect. But there's a bit of an issue. He has told ...
Angola has decriminalized same-sex relationships, rights group says  CNNAngola has decriminalized same-sex relationships, according to Human Rights Watch agency.

Why Men Cheat

"Big, little or short or tall, Wish I could have... Read More

Improve Your Relationships Through Vastu

Do you want be in a relationship that brings you... Read More

Calming the Storm In Your Relationship

IntroductionConflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with... Read More

Nip Verbal Abuse in the Bud

So often in a new relationship we learn the dynamic... Read More

Living in Fear!

As we are aware, our relationships are that bigger part... Read More

Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE

Ultimately, you want a partner you can be your true... Read More

10 Fast Ways to Re-ignite the Flames of Love

Enhance Romance today.When Men and Women enter into a relationship,... Read More

Is Love Ever In Vain?

All too often you fall in love with someone out... Read More

A Womans World

Women are simply wonderful don't you think? This question is... Read More

Great Relationship Advice: How to Get ?All A?s? in Couples Communication

Mark Twain once said that he believed it was "God's... Read More

The Five Minute Relationship Miracle

"They may forget what you said, but they will never... Read More

Discerning The Loving Heart

How often have you had the experience of connecting with... Read More

The Thoughts that Occupy the Minds of Most Men

Please note that this is not an attempt to give... Read More

Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts...And Worse: The Destructive Power of Simple Speech

Out of the blue, slap bang in the middle of... Read More

Women Are Not Aliens

One of the very worst mistakes a man can make... Read More

A Dear Jon Letter

How do you let go of someone whom you have... Read More

How Do We Know When A Relationship Has A Future?

In many instances, we all are "gun shy" after a... Read More

Forgiveness

"The important thing to remember when it comes to forgiving... Read More

What Every Woman Should Know About Men and Romance

Men and women think differently about romance.Men are goal-oriented. They... Read More

Communication in Dating

Does your dating relationship have good communication? Communication during dating... Read More

When A Relationship Goes Bad

What do you do when a long term relationship goes... Read More

Charisma, Love and Health

This is an amazing story. It's about my friend Robert.... Read More

Great Relationships: 4 Big Relationship Mistakes and How to Avoid Them

Relationship Mistake No. 1 - Partner BashingBashing the one you... Read More

Men Love Women Who Initiate Sex ? 4 Fun Ways to Do It

This is a sizzling hot topic for a lot of... Read More

Bedroom Treason

Just a note to ask if there are other married... Read More