Relationship Problems: Solvable or Unsolvable

Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim that they have never had a fight or problem in their marriage. My response to such a claim is that the person is either

1) lying or

2) certainly can't relate to me.

All love relationships have their share of problems, or to use the popular phrase, all relationships have issues.

In general, relationship issues can be divided into two categories:

solvable and unsolvable.

Solvable relationship problems

Solvable relationship problems are generally related to the needs you have in a relationship. An unmet need leads to a problem or issue. Some relationship needs are emotional needs and some are called functional needs. An emotional need is what you need to feel in order to feel loved in a relationship. A functional need is what you need for your life to work in a way that fits for you while in a relationship.

The good news is that needs are negotiable, and there are lots of ways to meet a need. The way to tell if something is a need for you or not, is that if it were not met, you would experience an issue every time. So meeting needs are very important, and are the difference between being happy or unhappy in a relationship.

Unsolvable relationship problems

Unsolvable relationship problems are generally related to what are called your requirements. Whether you are aware of it or not, whether you know them or not, you do have non-negotiable requirements. These requirements have to be met in order for a relationship to work for you. If even one of these requirements is missing the relationship will not work for you.

Requirements are relationship breakers. The problem is that we often treat our requirements as factors that are negotiable. They are not. Or we go into a relationship where we know an important factor does not exist, yet believe, hope or rationalize (rational lies) that somehow this will change once we get married.

For example, I once worked with a client who had a requirement that she have children. When she married her husband, he was ambivalent at best about children. She hoped he would change his mind. He didn't. The marriage ended. This is a great example of a non-negotiable requirement, because you cannot have half a child.

Visit SecretsofGreatRelationships.com for tips and tools for creating and growing a great relationship. You can also subscribe to our f*r*e*e 10 day e-program on how to enrich your relationship today, from relationship coach and expert Jeff Herring.

In The News:

Relationships Where More Means Less  The Wall Street Journal

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