Spasms & Spamocidal Mania

Below is a letter I wrote to the following organizations:

S.H.U. (Spam-Haters Unanimous)

N.A.A.P.W.H.S. (National Association for the Advancement of People Who Hate Spam)

P.W.H.P.W.D.H.S. (People Who Hate People Who Don't Hate Spam)

P.F.W.S.H.I.A.L.C. (People for Whom Spam-Hating is a Lifestyle Choice)

S.A.P.W.R.R.R.H.S. (Society for the Advancement of People Who Really Really Really Hate Spam)

P.W.H.S.S.M.I.M.L.W.S.C.O.T.E. (People Who Hate Spam So Much It Makes Little Wisps of Steam Come Out of Their Ears)

And, of course: Spam Haters In The Business of Internet Resource Directory Services.

DEAR FELLOW SPAM HATERS,

I'm writing to suggest that we combine forces in order to present a common front in our righteous war on unsolicited commercial email:

Spam!

I suggest we disband the myriad sites and organizations now opposing unsolicited commercial email in order to form a single, unified organization:

The Spammish Inquisition!

And I further suggest we elect me, Linda Cox, as our leader. Our Grand Inquisatrix!

WHAT ARE MY QUALIFICATIONS?

You think YOU hate spam? You don't even know what hate is!

I hate spam so much that I... well, just a LOT! That's how much!

If I hated spam any more than I already do, I think my head would burst into flames and spin like a top! Can you say that?

Don't think so.

I don't mean to say that I don't hate other things too, like pedophiles and nazis and that drunk guy who backed over my cat when I was seven.

But spam... hooboy!

SQUISH 'EM LIKE BUGS!

I believe we should have a constitutional amendment allowing cruel and unusual punishment in the case of spammers. Maybe that tummy thing like the Japanese do when they get depressed.

As with drugs, mere possession of bulk emailing software should result in the immediate confiscation of the computer it was on, as well as any nice clothes, jewelry, or lawn statuary that might have been purchased with spam profits.

Just thinking about sending spam should be illegal, like joking about bombs in an airport. If I get to be Grand Inquisatrix, I'll have my own force of men-in-black dudes to sniff out spamsters and be really mean to them and call them names until they promise to be good little netizens again.

It's for their own good.

IN CLOSING...

Having looked at the websites of some of the anti-spam crusaders, I know that I am not alone in my revulsion, disgust and utter skin-crawling contempt for spam.

Like them, I have turned a blind-eye to more mundane problems like hunger, illiteracy, disease, country music and poverty so as to focus on the true menace ravaging our cyber-society.

If you wish to support my crusade, you may do so by sending me $99, and as a free gift I'll send you a CD with the email addresses of 40 million netizens eagerly awaiting news of your latest product or service.

Linda Cox, G.I.W. (Grand Inquisatrix Wannabe)

P.S. Oh yeah... stale croutons. Hate 'em.

About The Author

Linda Cox (J.A.M.G.) was born in a speeding stagecoach amid the screams of fellow passengers as insane, wild-eyed horses dragged them all crashing toward the brink of destruction. That stagecoach was the planet Earth, those passengers were the human race, and Linda Cox is Just Another Marketing Guru. (The horses were just regular horses.) http://www.LindaCox.com/

In The News:

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Behold: This is the iPhone app you’ve been waiting for to stop those horrible spam calls  BGRSpam calls have been a problem in the United States for quite some time now, but things have really gotten awful over the past couple of years. The issue varies ...
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Estimated 24.9M Americans Lost $8.9B in Phone Scams as Rate of Spam Calls Jumps 22%, According to New Report from Truecaller  GlobeNewswireNew York, NY, April 26, 2018 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- Truecaller announced findings today from its fourth annual study on the impact of phone scams and spam ...
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How To Stop Robo And Scam Calls Once And For All  HuffPostCursing like a sailor into the phone doesn't actually work, you know.
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How to block spam texts and messages on your phone  KomandoTing! You've just received a new message. You set down your bags of groceries, dig into your pocket and pull out your smartphone. Then, you frown.
Best Call and Text Blocker Apps for Android and iOS  Digital TrendsUnwanted calls and texts on your smartphone can be a serious headache. Put a stop to them with one of the best call and text blocker apps.
SPAM? Verizon gives you a new tool to avoid those pesky robocalls with new Caller ID feature  GlobeNewswireNEW YORK, April 16, 2018 (GLOBE NEWSWIRE) -- “I love robocalls,” said no one ever. In reality, the opposite is true, and it is in that spirit that Verizon is ...
How to clear all unwanted emails from your inbox  KomandoThere is software that allows you to get rid of all those unwanted Emails that are pilling up in your inbox.
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Blockchain Will Stop Spam Calls In India; TRAI Proposes Mega-Blockchain Powered Campaign!  Trak.inTelecom Regulatory Authority of India or TRAI has decided to unleash a major war against unwanted, spam calls from telemarketers. And the first concrete step ...
How to block spam notifications and rogue ads on Android smartphones  Android PoliceMany mobile apps include advertisements, which is perfectly fine - the developers have to eat, after all. But some malicious applications go a step further, by ...
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Top 5 Caller ID & Blocking Android Apps  TechlomediaAlmost daily we receive calls from different marketing companies offering different schemes and products. Sometimes unknown callers also create big trouble.
How to: Block unwanted phone calls (without using Truecaller)  Stuff MagazinesSpam calls suck, but blocking them doesn't have to. Here's how to banish unsolicited calls from your handset, whichever of the big-name phone brands you use.
T-Mobile's spam call blocking is coming to MetroPCS  The VergeBack in March, T-Mobile introduced Scam ID and Scam Block, two features that help users avoid annoying robocalls, and now it's bringing the *service* to ...
Malwarebytes comes to iOS w/ scam call blocking, spam text filtering, web protection & more  9to5MacLong-time Mac security software Malwarebytes is making its iOS debut this month with the release of a new all-in-one security app for iOS users.
Companies working on ways to block robocalls  WKRC TV CincinnatiNEW YORK (CBS/CBS Newspath) - Americans received 30 billion spam calls last year, and robocall blocking company YouMail predicts next year half of those ...
ZTE integrates spam blocker and fraud protection tech from Hiya into Axon 7 smartphone  GeekWireZTE is teaming up with a Seattle startup to help customers block unwanted calls. The China-based company announced today that its $399 Axon 7 smartphone ...
How to stop SMS spam on your Android or iOS phone  PCWorldSMS spam is proliferating fast, but your phone's settings or a handy app can help stem the tide.
Which cellphone company is best at blocking robocalls?  CBS NewsMost carriers aren't great at identifying spam and scam calls, but some are worse than others, a study found.
Help Me  Tom's GuideFrom Do Not Disturb features to third-party apps, a number of tools can help you keep robocalls from constantly buzzing your smartphone.
How the fight against robocalls has become an escalating "arms race" against scammers  CBS NewsAs FCC demands telecom companies meet new standards, T-Mobile introduces new technologies to screen and block robocalls.
Phone scammer calling? How to protect yourself when thieves call  Fox BusinessAmericans are losing billions of dollars in phone scams. How do you avoid becoming a victim?
Magento Blocker - Block Bot/User by IP, Country or User Agent Extension by Knowband - WhaTech  WhaTechMagento spam IP blocker module is a feature-rich and fully-customizable module which allows the admin to block the customers by simply entering the IP ...

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